Think About It!!

This is something I have been thinking about for a little a while now.Are we growing up too fast?Are we too preoccupied with becoming adults?So much so that we forget to be children?But then again,maybe that's just part of maturing.But still,does that meanwe are maturing.But still, does that mean we are maturing too fast?If we're already mature,when are we going to enjoy the immature irresponsibility of child hood? My head is spinning.
One question I'd like to ask everyone. Are relationships in school actually meaningful?I don't mean friendly relationships,I mean girl-boy relationships. Do we even know what real affection and love is? What is the point of the whole exercise. Sometimes is sad to hear people breaking up.....(you know who you are)......
If you think there are going to be some answers after this, you are wrong.I don't have any answers to those questions. Why are we snowed under with work, that we don't have any time to play? Isn't that reserved for grown ups?We prepare so much for the future that we forget about the present.The present just becomes a backward extension of the future.We want to get into a good college, to get a good job, to earn money,to support our families and take care of their futures. At every point in our lives, we are looking at the future, without bothering about the present.That's why small things irritate us because they obstruct our view of the future. We need to live in the present sometimes, to ensure life doesn't just go past in a mindless haze,where we move from one way to another.
Pardon me for sounding unrealistic,but,if you look at it logically,the future is our only source of worry. Why do we dwell on it so much? Why are we so willing to think about worries ?Sometimes, when I have a lot of work to do, and there's a lot of pressure on my head, I just stop whatever i'm doing and go do something completely different. Sure, I get blasted later, but, I'm not too scared of a blasting once in a while, and I do have fun in the intermediate period.On the other hand , if I finish my work,I go to school next day, submit it, feel happy,and then go home with more work..
I may have exaggerated here and there, but you get the picture. I feel, we give too much weight to the future, which is absolutely uncertain whatever we try to do about it. Why can't we try and leave some things to chance, things which are decided by chance anyway?

Life...

Today is Thursday, 27th July, 2006.
Millions of babies took their first breath of air today.Millions of people took their last breath today.Today may have been a very special day in the lives of many, many people. But for me, what is today?Just another day. Just another ordinary day, wake up early, go to school, attended meeting, study for a while, and then here i am, back Home. Blogging. After today gets over, it will disappear. Thursday, 27th july 2006 will disappear into the nothingness that most of the days of my (almost) 18 years of life have dissapeared into. A few years back from now, I won't remember today.WHY? Because I haven't made today something for me to remember.I have not lived my life to day in a way that will make me look upon this day as.....anything.
It's not that I want to remember today as the day of a particular occurance or incident.That I can't expect. And I'm not looking for fun either. I want each and every single day of my life to stand out because of a feeling.The feeling that I could not have lived that day any better or any more.The feeling that I could not given myself anymore in life because of the way that I have been throughout the day.The feeling that I have given the world my 100% all through that day.
but how? Everyone need to eat,sleep.I definitely need to study,I do whatever I have to, I waste some time. Even if I think back, I don't see what I could done differently today.Wake up earlier?study more? I know that I will not go to sleep tonight feeling satisfied with my day.I know that I will feel that there is something missing, that there is something more that i could have done. But what is that something? I have no answer.
The more I think about it, the more I realize just how short life is. The past few years of my life have gone past in a flash.The next few will too. Where will I be? What will I be doing? There are questions that only time can answer. And i'm not in a hurry. But my fear is that I will wake up one morning, say 15 years from today, and I will think to myself that I have not given myself what I deserve. That I am not being what I can be, what I'm capable of being.And that July 27th,2020 will be another day that dissapears into nothingness without that feeling.
LIVE- it's a funny word.Most people don't live.They just exist.I don't want to be one of those people.I want to live.LIVE.I want to give myself everything I can.
Excuse my rambling.There are too many thoughts in my head.I don't know if this post has made even a bit of sense.
I once heard that every single person starts dying from the moment they're born.It's true.Think about it!

o-nite speech! over!

YAY.......
I'm done!I can't believe it! DONE!!

No more Speech! No more speech EVER!WOW!
What a joy!!!

I can't believe I survived.I can't believe it's over.It's a chapter of my life that's closed!
It seems so abrupt.That's it? A(rather bad) boring speech,and it's over?I'm not making much sense today.I'm too hyper.I'll stop getting on your nerves now!I'm on the verge of going completely insane.I'll post when i can sit in one place for more than 5 minutes.For now,
I'm going to go jump around.
I love life!!!!

changed?? me?? i dunno..u tell me!

Liya...
-you changed a lot
-you are so different.
-you were the homely type girl
-very "passive"..you weren't active at all...
-now you are" new" kousalia
-you are famous now....
This are the words that often used by my close friends nowadays.I don't know whether , I really changed? I think it's mainly because of all those post that i have gotten and the activities I have joined in. I
couldn't sleep at night,thinking about all this nonsensical stuff.I really don't know where all this conflict gonna end up? As i said in my earlier post,I'm blinking the world... everyone's so mature,so clear,and then there's me clueless as ever!Am I changing or is it the world that I am living now is changing me?(sounds confusing ??..sorry am a complicated person.)I don't know..I really don't know!@@#$% What happened to me? Am I taking the right path? Am i to accept the fact that i'm changing or to deny the fact! I don't know.Is it good or bad?I'm depressed.I'm in a chaotic state. The people whom I'm closed too...drifting apart..Nothing less..Nothing more.
Why? *sigh*
p/s-----> Thines, I am sorry because I keep on telling u that you are changing and stuff like that(I am so sorry)It was actually a prank,Me and shashi planned it..Ha..ha... I know it's lame.
-----> Aunty,thanks for the wonderful advice that u gave me,i agree to most of it! You are the right person to seek for advice:P....
And not forgetting to those who often read my blog.Thanks for reading all my crappy stuff.

English-setting standards?

English seems to be the "international language,no doubt-thanks to British imprealism and their love for their language.But surprisingly English is not the widely spoken language in the world inspite of it being the language that is widely "used".Though I love the language and appreciate the role that it plays,I can't stop wondering WHY-especially in malaysia-English is often used as a yardstick To measure one's intelligence and standard.This scene might be familiar to many- you step into a happening place-(okay so you want some examples?Say a pizza hut,midvalley,KLCC,starbucks and the likes...) and if you were to query an attender,you tend to start off in English or more than you do,the attender starts off in English.I am not able to find a reason for this 'strange' behaviour of us (unless we always speak in english?) Now..now..don't think I am against english or something.Its just that,we as malaysians, different cultures and different languages should be proud of their mother-tongue.*sigh*
but these question did occur in my mind for quite sometime:-
A)Is it that we see ourselves on a higher pedestal when speaking in English?
B) or is it that we feel low speaking in our mother tongue?
C)or we feel its only appropriate that we speak in English at such places?

The point I am trying to make here is -I am not the one to raise this issue against English.Infact good knowledge of English might take you places but at the sametime why should I feel low of my mother tongue?I am not sure about other countries, but i find the magnitude of this feeling to be quite high in Malaysia.,where people feel low to talk in their mother tongue.They would even go atlenghts to show their prowess in other languages but not in their mother tongue.Why?Can't seem to find an answer yet....but If you ask me ,I would say you should know how to speak both languages,as in English language and also your mother tongue! And i don't know how it all started?

UPdatE!

Hey everyone.....

Here's news....

I'm still alive!

Update on my life:
-I have been elected as the form 6 society President(unbelievable?believe it! I can barely believe it myself)
- am in editorial...yes editorial(and datz so not me)
-am a librarian(geez...i'm still figuring out why i joined in?)
-am choosen as a prefect in a boy'z skool(and am so gonna decline it!)
-am a class monitor(yes..more like a useles monitor)
-am in badminton club( need i say more?)
You may ask me...why did u joined in so many activities?The answer is I need my curicular activity marks for my university intake..so yah datz da whole bragging all about
I have been indulged in extreme sloth in the last few dayz..staying back at school,is sooo tiring!
Some warning bells are beginning to go off in my head. I havent picked up a textbook since last week! YES>>I KNOW ..i'm lazy! gosh! Have been busy with assignments and school homeworks! The subjects look alien to me,business studies,economics...arghhhh...i'm clueless! I have nothing poetic to say at the moment..... am just feeling guilty for not studying!
PS Please don't get too scared after reading this post. I am in an extremely crazy mood right now... k..datz all for now!
much love....

Stagnant!

Something happened to me.My life is stagnant, still. I'm stuck in it! There's nothing happening.I feel the same things I felt last month, last year.I feel the same but everything around me is moving so fast.It's june already.I have 4-5 months left in school,left in the protected world I'm living in,and then BOOM!I'll be sitting for my Stpm examination.Everything will change.The life I'm living in,the way i am interacting with the people in my life today....they will all just be memories to look back on and reminisce about somewhere down the road. God know where i'll be,what i'll be doing two year from today.I'm trying to decide,to come to some sort of conclusion about I want to do.Its just not happening!If i don't think of anything else.I'll just do law.But i'm terrified about what's going to happen to me, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not going to be anything great.Success comes with hardwork, and that seems to be something i'm incapable of nowadays. Believe me,I'm trying.I'm trying to study,to practice,to do something with my time.But as far as i look,all I can remember doing is wasting time. Throwing all the time I spend,down the drain.And the worst part is,when my mom tells me to study,i get irritated. I sit there with my books open ,staring into space,dreaming.What i do dream about?Some nonsense.None of it's going to happen at the rate I'm going.I want to do well.And i used to think I was capable of it.But even if i do manage to put in a bit of work.I end up doing pathetically in the test or whatever it is that i'm working for.What am i doing with myself,my life? That's a question only I can answer.The fact that I can't answer it makes me want to slap myself. My relationship with the people close to me have been changing too.It's been a rough road at home. I can't relate to some of the things my mom say sometimes.All she wants is for me to do well,and since what I want for myself isn't too different.It really confuses me where all the conflict is coming from. I guess she knows what it takes to be what I want to be, to do what I want to do. It's worrying her that i'm generally sitting around when there's much to be done.I'm trying.....Some of my friends,the ones I used to think the closest people to me,who knew me the best...some of them seem to no longer be who i thought they were.I think they still care,but whatever it was we seemed to share,to have in common....looks like that's dissappeared.I love my friends with all my heart,but...there are no such things as substitutes for the people, and it breaks my heart to think of how much things have changed in some ways.Everyone's so grown up, so mature.So clear.And then there's me.Clueless as always,blinking the world. What's wrong with me? Why can't i grow up too? I'm cribbing too much.I'm so lucky..I have everything a person could want, and I have the audacity to complain about it.I suppose i'm just confused.I have just been thinking about these things for a while.I need to get my act together, to stop thinking so much and to do, to be more thoughtful and caring,to work harder....to take responsibility for myself. Please, god, let me grow up!

doomed!

This blog is doomed!

Will u save it?

It's easy,

just post a comment!

WHY?

Every day i go to school,I begin to feel more and more that our education system is thoroughly redundant and past its usefulness.While the rest of the world embraces holistic education and all round performance .Our system still focuses entirely on academic performance.Now you tell me,what's the use of getting 11 a1's and 17 a1's..when you can't get yourself a scholarship?What's the point of learning 10 to 17 subjects and pressuring yourself? Malaysian are too narrow minded.All they can think about is getting straight a1's! WHY?? Why do we need to do well in school?To get admission in a good university/college.Why do we need to get into a good university?To earn money.The only reason we go to school and univesity/college now is to earn money not to learn!
I just got off the phone with one of my friend who was in tears because she got shouted by her tuition teacher.Who the hell is a tuition teacher? Why should we even need people like that?Why can't our system have the ability to educate us without the help of others? Why should people like that be given a chance to make us cry? I know what you are thinking,"what's wrong with this direspectful girl?"How can she insult teachers like this? Let me remind you that i'm talking only about tuiton teachers here. School is the institution we put our trust in,have faith in to deliver to us knowledge.Going to a tution teacher,is a proclamation of distrust in the school ability to do its job,to give us knowledge. Our tuiton teacher's aren't our real teachers.There are crutches to help us cope with the incompetence of our school teachers. More than fifty years back,we got our independence from the british, but to this date,the last vesitage of colonisation still remains...OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM! Who are left with a decrepit and dsyfunctional educational system? We,because we're never taught to think of anything absent in our text books. No place for imagination ,no room for vision.Nothing more, nothing less.
*(p/s...am not against tuiton teacher's is just that they should now their limits)