Far away

I want to go far away. I want to go so far away that I see nothing but the ocean all around me, little waves bobbing up and down, fish just beneath the surface, swimming away intp depths I can never see except in my nightmares. I want to get stone drunk, forget everything I’m sad, unhappy or angry about and fall into blissful, uninterrupted slumber that nothing can bring me out of. I want to talk for fourteen hours to someone, tell them everything about myself, even those deep dark things that no one knows about because I can hardly dare to think of them myself and hear everything about them in return.

I want to live for someone else - know in my heart that I will give them absolutely everything that they want simply because I love them so much. I want to know that someone cries for me. I want to be indifferent, to go through life not caring about anything or anyone not because I’m afraid to, but because I have no desire to. I want to walk alone for three hours by the sea, with nothing but myself and moonlight and music - and think about things no one has ever thought of before.

I want to cry myself to sleep over someone who loves me. I want to go a whole day without eating anything. I want to down five tequila shots, just to see what would happen. I want to catch up with an old forgotten friend and discover that we are still able to relate to each other. I want to be on a ship to nowhere.

I want to be inside the head of a mad person - to know what it feels like to have no control over oneself. To be unable to think coherently, to be unable to express my needs - to feel free, from everything.

I want to be terribly, painfully happy - to have a moment that I will never have again. I want one moment that I will remember forever.

I want to be able to die for someone.

I want - to not want.