..i'm rambling...
"Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful."
I chanted it like a mantra all morning. Hoping, wishing, praying today would be different."I am not going to think of the past, I am not going to think of him," I promised myself. Life is beautiful.
But I did this everyday. Have been doing it for the last 3 months.
I am trying to be happy. I am trying to look at the good side of everything. And I do too. I smiled at everyone. I thanked those whom helped me out in my work. I dug into my wallet for some change to give to a beggar. I went to my friend's place, who was upset, with a huge box of tissue and loads of chocolate ice- cream for breakfast. Smiled at her, and made her laugh. Let her wet my favorite shirt. And thanked her for letting me in.
After which I was on the phone, consoling and making a vain attempt to make my close friend smile. He was having girl-friend problems. He needed me, so I was with him for the rest of the afternoon. Wished him a superb evening with his gal and hung up.
Did some chores for mum and smiled at the super-market lady, she seemed close to tears. I bought some flowers for my mum on the way. Let my sis watch her favorite T.V. show, without a fight. Helped my dad with his work. Listened to another friend's troubles...
'twas a beautiful evening. The moon was out and there were a million stars in the sky. A pleasant breeze caressed you.
A slight shiver went through me... All the memories came back...The good days and the bad-that-turned-good-anyway days... The dreams and hopes we shared, the fears we talked about... the complaining and the stupid jokes...playing hooky..the fights ...the happiness, the joy, the wanting to knock someone out, the need to be held.. the magic... the times when everything possible went wrong and u wished life wasn't so complicated... And thought of how we were today... And cried... I shouldn't be thinking of all this in the first place. Why wasn't there someone to talk to? To bring me ice- cream and just be there to hold me?... but he'd left and there were no friends who cared enough. I thought of all the good -byes. When people had just left... Had moved on..
... people just walked away, eh?? Why can't I do it then? Break promises? Leave?
Of course they cared. They were just busy. I mean they do have their own lives, na? That's what they say... No one noticed the tears... No one will notice them.. I was there for them to lean on, cry on, and make people laugh. The problem is not with them.. I shouldn't have made myself vulnerable... I shouldn't have dared to believe and trust... I shouldn't have believe them, him, when they said they'd be there for me no matter what.. I shouldn't have. I just shouldn’t have.
So, I cried myself to sleep, tired of pretending that none of the past mattered, that I was happy ... I was just tired... And my last thought was....
" Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful. Tomorrow I won't think of him and the past”
P.S : Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely co- incidental... :D
I chanted it like a mantra all morning. Hoping, wishing, praying today would be different."I am not going to think of the past, I am not going to think of him," I promised myself. Life is beautiful.
But I did this everyday. Have been doing it for the last 3 months.
I am trying to be happy. I am trying to look at the good side of everything. And I do too. I smiled at everyone. I thanked those whom helped me out in my work. I dug into my wallet for some change to give to a beggar. I went to my friend's place, who was upset, with a huge box of tissue and loads of chocolate ice- cream for breakfast. Smiled at her, and made her laugh. Let her wet my favorite shirt. And thanked her for letting me in.
After which I was on the phone, consoling and making a vain attempt to make my close friend smile. He was having girl-friend problems. He needed me, so I was with him for the rest of the afternoon. Wished him a superb evening with his gal and hung up.
Did some chores for mum and smiled at the super-market lady, she seemed close to tears. I bought some flowers for my mum on the way. Let my sis watch her favorite T.V. show, without a fight. Helped my dad with his work. Listened to another friend's troubles...
'twas a beautiful evening. The moon was out and there were a million stars in the sky. A pleasant breeze caressed you.
A slight shiver went through me... All the memories came back...The good days and the bad-that-turned-good-anyway days... The dreams and hopes we shared, the fears we talked about... the complaining and the stupid jokes...playing hooky..the fights ...the happiness, the joy, the wanting to knock someone out, the need to be held.. the magic... the times when everything possible went wrong and u wished life wasn't so complicated... And thought of how we were today... And cried... I shouldn't be thinking of all this in the first place. Why wasn't there someone to talk to? To bring me ice- cream and just be there to hold me?... but he'd left and there were no friends who cared enough. I thought of all the good -byes. When people had just left... Had moved on..
... people just walked away, eh?? Why can't I do it then? Break promises? Leave?
Of course they cared. They were just busy. I mean they do have their own lives, na? That's what they say... No one noticed the tears... No one will notice them.. I was there for them to lean on, cry on, and make people laugh. The problem is not with them.. I shouldn't have made myself vulnerable... I shouldn't have dared to believe and trust... I shouldn't have believe them, him, when they said they'd be there for me no matter what.. I shouldn't have. I just shouldn’t have.
So, I cried myself to sleep, tired of pretending that none of the past mattered, that I was happy ... I was just tired... And my last thought was....
" Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful. Tomorrow I won't think of him and the past”
P.S : Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely co- incidental... :D
posted by liya at 6:37 PM
1 Comments:
Hey there. We don't know each other but I was blog-hopping and I found your words. I symphatize with what you're going through.
My relationship fell apart too. Just today, in fact, so the wound is fresh. I'm having a hard time coping. But you know what, give it some time. It probably won't get better, but time works wonders to numb the pain.
Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends. If you really need to talk, I'll be here too.
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