Stagnant!

Something happened to me.My life is stagnant, still. I'm stuck in it! There's nothing happening.I feel the same things I felt last month, last year.I feel the same but everything around me is moving so fast.It's june already.I have 4-5 months left in school,left in the protected world I'm living in,and then BOOM!I'll be sitting for my Stpm examination.Everything will change.The life I'm living in,the way i am interacting with the people in my life today....they will all just be memories to look back on and reminisce about somewhere down the road. God know where i'll be,what i'll be doing two year from today.I'm trying to decide,to come to some sort of conclusion about I want to do.Its just not happening!If i don't think of anything else.I'll just do law.But i'm terrified about what's going to happen to me, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not going to be anything great.Success comes with hardwork, and that seems to be something i'm incapable of nowadays. Believe me,I'm trying.I'm trying to study,to practice,to do something with my time.But as far as i look,all I can remember doing is wasting time. Throwing all the time I spend,down the drain.And the worst part is,when my mom tells me to study,i get irritated. I sit there with my books open ,staring into space,dreaming.What i do dream about?Some nonsense.None of it's going to happen at the rate I'm going.I want to do well.And i used to think I was capable of it.But even if i do manage to put in a bit of work.I end up doing pathetically in the test or whatever it is that i'm working for.What am i doing with myself,my life? That's a question only I can answer.The fact that I can't answer it makes me want to slap myself. My relationship with the people close to me have been changing too.It's been a rough road at home. I can't relate to some of the things my mom say sometimes.All she wants is for me to do well,and since what I want for myself isn't too different.It really confuses me where all the conflict is coming from. I guess she knows what it takes to be what I want to be, to do what I want to do. It's worrying her that i'm generally sitting around when there's much to be done.I'm trying.....Some of my friends,the ones I used to think the closest people to me,who knew me the best...some of them seem to no longer be who i thought they were.I think they still care,but whatever it was we seemed to share,to have in common....looks like that's dissappeared.I love my friends with all my heart,but...there are no such things as substitutes for the people, and it breaks my heart to think of how much things have changed in some ways.Everyone's so grown up, so mature.So clear.And then there's me.Clueless as always,blinking the world. What's wrong with me? Why can't i grow up too? I'm cribbing too much.I'm so lucky..I have everything a person could want, and I have the audacity to complain about it.I suppose i'm just confused.I have just been thinking about these things for a while.I need to get my act together, to stop thinking so much and to do, to be more thoughtful and caring,to work harder....to take responsibility for myself. Please, god, let me grow up!