..i'm rambling...

"Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful."

I chanted it like a mantra all morning. Hoping, wishing, praying today would be different."I am not going to think of the past, I am not going to think of him," I promised myself. Life is beautiful.

But I did this everyday. Have been doing it for the last 3 months.

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to look at the good side of everything. And I do too. I smiled at everyone. I thanked those whom helped me out in my work. I dug into my wallet for some change to give to a beggar. I went to my friend's place, who was upset, with a huge box of tissue and loads of chocolate ice- cream for breakfast. Smiled at her, and made her laugh. Let her wet my favorite shirt. And thanked her for letting me in.

After which I was on the phone, consoling and making a vain attempt to make my close friend smile. He was having girl-friend problems. He needed me, so I was with him for the rest of the afternoon. Wished him a superb evening with his gal and hung up.

Did some chores for mum and smiled at the super-market lady, she seemed close to tears. I bought some flowers for my mum on the way. Let my sis watch her favorite T.V. show, without a fight. Helped my dad with his work. Listened to another friend's troubles...

'twas a beautiful evening. The moon was out and there were a million stars in the sky. A pleasant breeze caressed you.


A slight shiver went through me... All the memories came back...The good days and the bad-that-turned-good-anyway days... The dreams and hopes we shared, the fears we talked about... the complaining and the stupid jokes...playing hooky..the fights ...the happiness, the joy, the wanting to knock someone out, the need to be held.. the magic... the times when everything possible went wrong and u wished life wasn't so complicated... And thought of how we were today... And cried... I shouldn't be thinking of all this in the first place. Why wasn't there someone to talk to? To bring me ice- cream and just be there to hold me?... but he'd left and there were no friends who cared enough. I thought of all the good -byes. When people had just left... Had moved on..

... people just walked away, eh?? Why can't I do it then? Break promises? Leave?

Of course they cared. They were just busy. I mean they do have their own lives, na? That's what they say... No one noticed the tears... No one will notice them.. I was there for them to lean on, cry on, and make people laugh. The problem is not with them.. I shouldn't have made myself vulnerable... I shouldn't have dared to believe and trust... I shouldn't have believe them, him, when they said they'd be there for me no matter what.. I shouldn't have. I just shouldn’t have.

So, I cried myself to sleep, tired of pretending that none of the past mattered, that I was happy ... I was just tired... And my last thought was....
" Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful. Tomorrow I won't think of him and the past”


P.S : Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely co- incidental... :D

absolute moo point........

People mess up their lives so easily. I messed up my life so easily. So much chaos, so much wrong negative stuff. There's all magnitudes of messing up... you could get into dope, you could end up selling dope, you could just be a weak person who has a knack for terrible relationships, you could just be a weak person and sometimes one just ends up screwing up ones life 'cuz one thinks he's screwed up another persons life.

My point is, that either because of you or because of someone you are related to you (which again means because of you), at some point or the other, all of us find ourselves, to put it eloquently, screwed. Majorly screwed, if one might have it.

At times, it isn't even because your a bad person or have done something to deserve bad... at some times your just a victim. Like all this stuff that's been happening in rapid succession in the past few months across the seven seas. Life is full of bones being found, serial murders, serial rapes, terrorist bombings or one government employee trying to "screw" the other one. Absolutely screwed up lives. Hell I feel insecure just reading about such stuff. I don't know how or if I'd ever have to handle such a situation, I'd ever even be able to. I hope none of the people I love and care about never have to, at the least. Selfish, one might call it.

Chi... so where was I ? Oh yeah... So, we all screw up once in a while. The point is, are we strong enough to get our lives back onto track again? Are we ready to deal with whatever went wrong, accept mistakes, make up for them, and start afresh?

Firstly, it's not everyone whose given the chance to clean up the slates. If it's just a boy friend whose dumped you that's making you want to kill yourself or drink too much (which is killing yourself anyway), you have a chance. A good and easy one. You might have just gotten out of jail, you have a chance too, but it's a tough one. You might have just been letting your grades slip - you have a chance, a good and very easy one. It's all a matter of seeing what you have, and doing something with it. Something good with it.

Secondly, not everyone has the right support system. I screwed up on a pretty small scale. The only one whose still got scars to show, is me. But at least I had the guts to face whatever it was, and clean up my life after that. There's a lot of people who don't. They just go from one damning relationship to another, because like a teacher of mine used to say they have no vertebral column.


Thirdly, not everyone has the guts or the urge to clean up the slates. Some people are happy to just give in, and rot away. Others, have oppurtunities, the right friends, they just don't have the balls. Others still, are deeper in shit than they can dig themselves out of - they still manage to do a good deed in the end.


It's pretty simple - unscrewing ones life.
1) You rid yourself of any type of alcohlic crap.
2) You rid yourself of all the people who don't believe in you. Of all the people you've just been taking crap from. Which also means surrounding yourself with people who really do care for you.
3) It also means having to trust them with your life.
4) You start begging, and kissing the feet of the people you've hurt, indirectly and directly, all the people you "owe", and make it up to them.
5) What is wrong, is wrong. It's not right under any circumstances. Not even if your drunk enough to walk yourself to the Buckingham palace, and dance in front of the gaurds, naked. :D
6) It's a lot of hard work, and very tiring and extremely hard on the ego. But only a man can do, what a mans got to do.

It's pretty sad to see lives go wasted. It's also pretty sad to end up questioning the human race, with questions ( yeah that's me. articulation at it's best) like why people do "bad" stuff anyway? Why others let it get done to themselves? Why some others just sit and let it all happen just for the money? Why still others do something about it, and get screwed anyway. Question, that don't have answers. Or some pretty damning answers, anyway.

All you can do is have faith, say a lil prayer and hope that someone somewhere is listening, and get on with the day!

An absolute moo point, if I've ever seen one. Hope you guys have a lovely day , I'm just going to laze around with a book *evil grin*

All my love and prayers...