L-I-V-E Y-O-U-R L-I-F-E

People leave...

2008-02-19T20:24:00.002+08:00

People leave. No matter how much you want to hang onto them, no matter how hard you try to make things work - sometimes, it’s just easier to let go. For both your sake and theirs.

It’s easy to sit down, long after a crisis moment has passed, and to wonder where things went wrong. Perhaps you asked for too much, or they expected too much of you. Perhaps what you thought you had was merely something that was transitory. Maybe you were on a different level than they were.

What’s inevitable is that, some people are destined to leave you. That’s the beauty of what you share with them, really they come into your life, like storms that are all noise and no substance. They create brief interludes of intense emotion, they burrow deep into the substratum of your existence, force you to reconsider yourself in a new light and teach you things you never knew you didn’t know. They leave you changed forever.

And then suddenly, one day, they’re gone.

You’ll miss them, maybe. For a while. Until it hits you that they were never really meant to last. That lingering too long would have soured everything.

At least this way, they leave your memories intact....

HEY PPL!

2008-02-17T21:52:00.002+08:00

HEY PPL!! Miss me? Newayz, I know its been quiet around here lately. I just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m still here, and will still continue to update this site. A lot has changed lately, much of which I’m not quite ready to talk about just yet, but I’ll update the site as soon as I’m able to.

2007-07-31T18:35:00.000+08:00

For all those lucky singles out there who are bemoaning their fate and contemplating drastic measures like asking someone out, stop right now and enjoy ur luck while u can! U never know when that dangerous armed madman with a grudge against humanity may strike you (Cupid, for the uninitiated) and transform you from a rational being to a delusional, mush spewing mental case who gets weird ideas. Its satan working under the guise of romantic gestures.

I mean, for gods sake, what kind of idiot turns up outside someones balcony at some ungodly hour like 11.30 p.m just because his girlfriend (with whom he has been talking utter nonsense for the past 3 hours instead of doing something productive and fun like sleeping) expressed a sudden, mad desire to see him?

And the whole cards-flowers-teddybear routine is soooo cliched! If ur gonna be dumb, atleast do it in style! Be original!

And those who are in relationships, act with a little more thought on how ur present actions might make u reconsider the state of ur sanity when u have become wiser someday and look back on all this. Worse, what are your grandchildren going to think of you??!!!

If ur gonna set relationship targets, make ur friends rue the day they decided u might not be such a bad person to hang out with, if you notice urself being magnetically attracted to the icky romantic comedies they put on tv from time to time as if to test our strength to endure crap, if the mills and boon kind of books seem suddenly very interesting, if you spend hours talking to yourself and have turned suddenly sickeningly giggly, well my friend u are suffering from moronitis. It is a deadly disease which afflicts those who are low on common sense and whose brains are filled with fluff. Even some normally sane people are known to be afflicted.So i now choose to spend my vacant hours(read: when i am mindlessly bored enough to write crap like this!) in compiling a list of the merits and advantages of being single. Anyone is welcome to add to it.

1) Your phone bill wont go through the roof due to the endless mindless hours spent talking about inane nonsense to your beloved. This is not meant to be taken as an insult to Mr.Graham Bell, whom as we all know is a great man who worked tirelessly to increase profits for the telephone companies.

2)You can hang out with whom u want for however long u want without having to worry about whether ur beloved would get offended by the company you keep due to the fact that ur present companions best friends ex-girlfriends cousins senior who dated ur beloveds neighbours daughters friend cheated on her(on the neighbours daughters friend).

3)You neednt give up a challenging and inspiring game with your friends after school coz ur gf wants to go watch the new romantic comedy in which Hugh Grant looks sooooooooo cute!! (Ugh!!)

4)Girls are not subjected to long boring mindless hours watching cricket or something equally lame with your guy coz he wants to spend time with you AND watch the all important match.You can switch off your cell phone and not give a damn about whether you are gonna miss an important call which may lead to a silly fight which goes something like "You were avoiding me!!" (teary voice) "No sweetie pie of course I wasnt, why would i do that?" "I know its all because of that new girl/boy in your tution class, the hot one from kl !!!"(teary dangerous voice) "Of course not, what gave you that idea?" "Oh you think i am stupid, i know u were talking to him/her for half an hour yesterday while u were waiting for your car!" (starting to smoke now) "Well, thats coz i was bored u know and i had nothing to do" "U should have thought about me or something! Why couldnt u do that? I am never good enough for you, am I? U dont love me!!!" (its gonna blowwww!!!!)

5)No need to use 'affectionate' nicknames which might make other sane people consider you with concern over your mental stability. A few of the most common are -------- snugglebum, sweetiepie, cutie, loverboy/girl, darling, angel, Goddess(not kidding about this one), chocofudge, honeybunny, poobear.......etc etcno need to change your unique personality and ur sense of dressing coz ur gf/bf doesnt like it and thinks that pink is definitely more your colour(barf barf puke puke) and tries to make u wear stuff like wat the backstreet boys wear or Mariah Carey.

ok this is getting a little too much for me. Will be back again with more stuff to add to the list and please feel free to add your own thoughts and ideas to the list!

Laws of L-o-v-e

2007-07-23T13:44:00.000+08:00

Murphys law. My life it seems is here just to prove murphy right. For all the uninitiated, Murphys law is the best and most truthful piece of literature ever written. And his laws of love, every one of them apparently works on me!

1] all the good ones are taken :- Oh u bet they are! everytime you see the perfect guy/girl and go all over malaysia singing duets in your dreams a voice yells into your ear waking you up rudely saying "i am taken!" arrrgh! those horrible words! and if that person is not taken, there's a reason and an extremely miserable one!

2]The nicer someone is, the farther away h/she is away from you:- yup. either their taken or else they live on the other side of the arctic circle. You run into the perfect guy just as you are about to leave the city and move and yeah the perfect guy true to his perfection thinks long distance sucks!

3] The perfect formula Brains*Beauty*Availability= Constant Always. Availability is also a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else. I can vouch for this!and i dont think this needs any explanation anywhich ways. am sure all of you must have been through this atleast once!

4]NICE GUYS/GIRLS finish last! yes. and anyone who says otherwise is saying it to make you feel better or worse still to make you feel like shit!

5]If it seems too good to be true it probably is! This is true with anything in my life. All those times when you think you have found your prince charming, the one you want to spend your life with eventually cleaning each others dentures and biting into bread soaked with milk... something has to screw it up. something. anything.. everything. if you thought nothing could go wrong it still will because if it seems to good to be true it probably is not true ! :)
yes my friends, thats how it works! the entire system must have been designed by some devious scheming brain and someone so intelligent is probably taken too!
and for all of you who think this post is too cynical and murphy was a cynical old fooltry o'tooles commentary on the laws. its very simple it says

"MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST"

PS:- all said and done.. am still one of those old fools who believes in the power of love! god some people never change..!!sigh.. my prince charming is round the corner!

Alone

2007-07-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

I have everything I could possibly want, and I think I’m happy. But then, one day, I’m walking down the street and it hits me - I’m alone. We say so many things, we think we’ve got people we love, we think they love us too…but how much of this is real? How much of it really matters, and won’t disappear like wisps of mist in the early morning sunshine? I’ve got people who care, I’ve got it all - we spend so much time with each other, we tell each other things that strike us in the deepest layers of thought…

But I’m alone. There’s no one…I mean, I don’t even know why I feel alone.

They’re right here, real, alive, standing in front of me with those well-meaning looks on their faces, thinking they understand and know, but do they?

How much of what I say is what I really mean, how much of what they see is really me?

I’m terrified of being alone, but…I don’t know. I can’t understand feeling this way, I just do.

It just strikes me that I can’t count on anyone, can’t trust anyone…but myself.

Let Go...

2007-07-05T19:30:00.000+08:00

In a whirl of lethargy, where all I want is to be with myself, shut off the world and think. I want to escape into a grotto behind a babbling waterfall, where nothing can reach me.

I’m tired. Of pretending, of needing, of wanting, of being.

There’s nothing worse than being forced to do something that you don’t want to, and yet knowing in the back of your mind that you really ought to want it after all, but you don’t. It’s confusing, and coupled with some indeciseiveness, irritating people and useless reflection, it makes for a very tiresome cocktail of emotions indeed.

Sometimes, I don’t know who I’d get along with. Everyone is either too loud, too quiet, to distant, too near, too shrill, too pushy, too dominant, too submissive or entirely uninteresting. And oh, how fickle my self seems to be! One day, I’m in love with someone, the next, I’m trying as hard as I can to keep myself out of reach of the same person.

The world’s turned topsy-turvy, everything is falling apart, and I don’t know where I fit in anymore…or even whether I really want to.

Far away

2007-06-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

I want to go far away. I want to go so far away that I see nothing but the ocean all around me, little waves bobbing up and down, fish just beneath the surface, swimming away intp depths I can never see except in my nightmares. I want to get stone drunk, forget everything I’m sad, unhappy or angry about and fall into blissful, uninterrupted slumber that nothing can bring me out of. I want to talk for fourteen hours to someone, tell them everything about myself, even those deep dark things that no one knows about because I can hardly dare to think of them myself and hear everything about them in return.

I want to live for someone else - know in my heart that I will give them absolutely everything that they want simply because I love them so much. I want to know that someone cries for me. I want to be indifferent, to go through life not caring about anything or anyone not because I’m afraid to, but because I have no desire to. I want to walk alone for three hours by the sea, with nothing but myself and moonlight and music - and think about things no one has ever thought of before.

I want to cry myself to sleep over someone who loves me. I want to go a whole day without eating anything. I want to down five tequila shots, just to see what would happen. I want to catch up with an old forgotten friend and discover that we are still able to relate to each other. I want to be on a ship to nowhere.

I want to be inside the head of a mad person - to know what it feels like to have no control over oneself. To be unable to think coherently, to be unable to express my needs - to feel free, from everything.

I want to be terribly, painfully happy - to have a moment that I will never have again. I want one moment that I will remember forever.

I want to be able to die for someone.

I want - to not want.

Morning has broken....

2007-04-12T14:39:00.000+08:00

Morning has broken. Somewhere in New Zealand, that is. Over here, it's 8.00a.m. Morning technically, but the feeling is somewhat lost without the sunshine, birds chirping, roosters crowing and the like. I am awake because I am supposed to be working hard for stpm, but I was suddenly overcome by an acute desire to blog, and since I haven't been feeling urges of that sort in a while (as you can see by the sky-high frequency of my posts recently) I decided I might as well.

So hello. It's been a while. Things are different, yet the same. What do I say? It seems like at every given point in time, my head is about to burst with thoughts, with things to say and questions to ask. My life right now seems to me like one big muck-up. Like a scene gone wrong in a play, like water spilt over a painting, like a sustained off-key note in a song. Everything I do seems to be just a little bit off. A little too much to the left, a little too late, a little too close. I don't know what it is. Is it a phase? Or is something really wrong?

Am I forgetting who matters, what matters? Have I got my priorities all wrong? But then, who gets to decide? Not me, apparently. The universe seems to be protesting vehemently against all the decisions I take. I suppose life becomes easier when you know what you want. Problem is, I haven't got the slightest bit of a clue.

I'm having fun though I think. Lots and lots of new people to talk to, to laugh with. Lots of new ways to have fun. Many new discoveries, many new nonsenses :). All in all, I'm having a pretty nice time. It's nice to mess up once in a while I guess. I just want some direction. An arrow or a finger pointing right or left, close or far, early or late. At least I'll know where I'm going. Or if I'm going anywhere at all.

Excuse my rant. I promise a more fun post next time. Which will be soon, hopefully.

..i'm rambling...

2007-03-14T18:37:00.000+08:00

"Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful."

I chanted it like a mantra all morning. Hoping, wishing, praying today would be different."I am not going to think of the past, I am not going to think of him," I promised myself. Life is beautiful.

But I did this everyday. Have been doing it for the last 3 months.

I am trying to be happy. I am trying to look at the good side of everything. And I do too. I smiled at everyone. I thanked those whom helped me out in my work. I dug into my wallet for some change to give to a beggar. I went to my friend's place, who was upset, with a huge box of tissue and loads of chocolate ice- cream for breakfast. Smiled at her, and made her laugh. Let her wet my favorite shirt. And thanked her for letting me in.

After which I was on the phone, consoling and making a vain attempt to make my close friend smile. He was having girl-friend problems. He needed me, so I was with him for the rest of the afternoon. Wished him a superb evening with his gal and hung up.

Did some chores for mum and smiled at the super-market lady, she seemed close to tears. I bought some flowers for my mum on the way. Let my sis watch her favorite T.V. show, without a fight. Helped my dad with his work. Listened to another friend's troubles...

'twas a beautiful evening. The moon was out and there were a million stars in the sky. A pleasant breeze caressed you.

A slight shiver went through me... All the memories came back...The good days and the bad-that-turned-good-anyway days... The dreams and hopes we shared, the fears we talked about... the complaining and the stupid jokes...playing hooky..the fights ...the happiness, the joy, the wanting to knock someone out, the need to be held.. the magic... the times when everything possible went wrong and u wished life wasn't so complicated... And thought of how we were today... And cried... I shouldn't be thinking of all this in the first place. Why wasn't there someone to talk to? To bring me ice- cream and just be there to hold me?... but he'd left and there were no friends who cared enough. I thought of all the good -byes. When people had just left... Had moved on..

... people just walked away, eh?? Why can't I do it then? Break promises? Leave?

Of course they cared. They were just busy. I mean they do have their own lives, na? That's what they say... No one noticed the tears... No one will notice them.. I was there for them to lean on, cry on, and make people laugh. The problem is not with them.. I shouldn't have made myself vulnerable... I shouldn't have dared to believe and trust... I shouldn't have believe them, him, when they said they'd be there for me no matter what.. I shouldn't have. I just shouldn’t have.

So, I cried myself to sleep, tired of pretending that none of the past mattered, that I was happy ... I was just tired... And my last thought was....
" Life is B-E-A-U-Tiful. Tomorrow I won't think of him and the past”

P.S : Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely co- incidental... :D

absolute moo point........

2007-03-03T20:07:00.000+08:00

People mess up their lives so easily. I messed up my life so easily. So much chaos, so much wrong negative stuff. There's all magnitudes of messing up... you could get into dope, you could end up selling dope, you could just be a weak person who has a knack for terrible relationships, you could just be a weak person and sometimes one just ends up screwing up ones life 'cuz one thinks he's screwed up another persons life.

My point is, that either because of you or because of someone you are related to you (which again means because of you), at some point or the other, all of us find ourselves, to put it eloquently, screwed. Majorly screwed, if one might have it.

At times, it isn't even because your a bad person or have done something to deserve bad... at some times your just a victim. Like all this stuff that's been happening in rapid succession in the past few months across the seven seas. Life is full of bones being found, serial murders, serial rapes, terrorist bombings or one government employee trying to "screw" the other one. Absolutely screwed up lives. Hell I feel insecure just reading about such stuff. I don't know how or if I'd ever have to handle such a situation, I'd ever even be able to. I hope none of the people I love and care about never have to, at the least. Selfish, one might call it.

Chi... so where was I ? Oh yeah... So, we all screw up once in a while. The point is, are we strong enough to get our lives back onto track again? Are we ready to deal with whatever went wrong, accept mistakes, make up for them, and start afresh?

Firstly, it's not everyone whose given the chance to clean up the slates. If it's just a boy friend whose dumped you that's making you want to kill yourself or drink too much (which is killing yourself anyway), you have a chance. A good and easy one. You might have just gotten out of jail, you have a chance too, but it's a tough one. You might have just been letting your grades slip - you have a chance, a good and very easy one. It's all a matter of seeing what you have, and doing something with it. Something good with it.

Secondly, not everyone has the right support system. I screwed up on a pretty small scale. The only one whose still got scars to show, is me. But at least I had the guts to face whatever it was, and clean up my life after that. There's a lot of people who don't. They just go from one damning relationship to another, because like a teacher of mine used to say they have no vertebral column.

Thirdly, not everyone has the guts or the urge to clean up the slates. Some people are happy to just give in, and rot away. Others, have oppurtunities, the right friends, they just don't have the balls. Others still, are deeper in shit than they can dig themselves out of - they still manage to do a good deed in the end.

It's pretty simple - unscrewing ones life.
1) You rid yourself of any type of alcohlic crap.
2) You rid yourself of all the people who don't believe in you. Of all the people you've just been taking crap from. Which also means surrounding yourself with people who really do care for you.
3) It also means having to trust them with your life.
4) You start begging, and kissing the feet of the people you've hurt, indirectly and directly, all the people you "owe", and make it up to them.
5) What is wrong, is wrong. It's not right under any circumstances. Not even if your drunk enough to walk yourself to the Buckingham palace, and dance in front of the gaurds, naked. :D
6) It's a lot of hard work, and very tiring and extremely hard on the ego. But only a man can do, what a mans got to do.

It's pretty sad to see lives go wasted. It's also pretty sad to end up questioning the human race, with questions ( yeah that's me. articulation at it's best) like why people do "bad" stuff anyway? Why others let it get done to themselves? Why some others just sit and let it all happen just for the money? Why still others do something about it, and get screwed anyway. Question, that don't have answers. Or some pretty damning answers, anyway.

All you can do is have faith, say a lil prayer and hope that someone somewhere is listening, and get on with the day!

An absolute moo point, if I've ever seen one. Hope you guys have a lovely day , I'm just going to laze around with a book *evil grin*

All my love and prayers...

love

2007-02-11T09:27:00.000+08:00

I heard a story. Of love. Of love that has renewed hopes every single day. She was pale. She was always changing. But her change was predictable. Once people got to know her, it was easy to know how she will look and how she will feel, and what effect she will have on the world around each day. Though she didn't have a flawless face, everyone thought she was beautiful.

She was happier as the day waned. She awoke then, in all her glory. She felt uncomfortable in the spotlight, and she would go into hiding, rather make herself inconspicuous when it was very bright around. But if you would bother to look for her, she would be there. On those days she felt small. She felt worthless. But as the day wore by, she will be happier, brighter, more energetic. And she would go to see her beloved. All that he used to do was just be still. She thought he was not capable of any feeling, but she was wrong. He had a huge temper sometimes, and a lot of people say that she is the cause for his turbulence and anger. Mostly, he would get all worked up when she looked her best. People could never understand why. And she always thought he gave her second place. She was always an option in his life. And always second best.

That saddened her. But everyday she would look upon him. Be with him. And some days she thought that he loved her back too. They shared a quiet understanding. When they met, they made a beautiful picture. There were people who wished that they always be together. But another day would dawn, and those thoughts would go to nought.

All that she did was love. And love boundlessly. Because he was boundless. He was all encompassing. And he could take in a lot more than she could ever think of. She loved him most when he was calm. Wherever she looked he was there. And their eyes would always meet. They were in love. But they knew they could not be together all the time. She, being the way she is, understood, and decided to be second best. Decided to be an option. At least that way, she could be with him at least for some time. And those times were cherished. And loved. Especially when her silvery hair fell upon him. Together they are always beautiful. And it will always be. For this is the story of the Moon and the Sea. Of love that waits day after day.

Empty spaces....

2007-02-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

I always used to wonder what people meant when they said that something/ someone had the power to make them smile with tears in their eyes. Feel happy, yet sad at the same time.

I do know now.

Bleddy memories. A song, a word, a book, an act, a character in a book, a dream, anything... 'Makes you find yourself thinking, recollecting and smiling to yourself about something that happened so long ago. So very very long ago. Ten years ago. Smiling at the person you were then... Smiling at the feeling that you feel zing through you. Just like it did, back then.

And then you find a damn tear thats found it's way out, no matter how hard you tried to stick to the good part of the memory. For what had been. What could have been. And what never will be, ever again.

For just a fraction there, you feel something squeeze your insides. A slight pain that flits across. And just like that. It's all gone. And all that your left with, is empty space.

Am not the same anymore....

2007-01-29T15:56:00.000+08:00

I don't know whether i am doing the right thing? I'm so stuck,chaotic state,dissapointed....Why am i getting so stressed up for a small matter?affecting friendship...affecting my life...... i tried my level best to be the same...i tried to control my anger. I want to be the same..i don't want to fight over a small silly thing. ...I am really scared because things aren't the same anymore...different environment,new friends, all those post i got is damn tiring and stressful... I used to be a normal girl back then, leading normal life with peaceful environment, circle of wonderful friends.(I miss u ..ppl!) ..I really wish you guyz was here for me! The fact that i am not trying to control my anger makes me wants to slap my face but i know myself, i am doing the right thing. I'm trying to find the real me,,,,
Am i the same kousalia??

MISS ME?? Am back! :))

2007-01-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

I know it's been ages since I've posted. Alot has happened. And there's so much going on inside this lil brain of mine, I don't know where to start. So, I'm just going to let things be. It's what I ask everyone else in my situation to do. Stop thinking. What will be, will be. Na.. I'm not contradicting myself. It's well.. either you understand what I'm saying or you don't :)A lot of times.. one just needs this person who can help steady you. Help you to keep from falling. By not doing anything more that being there for you and listening to you without being judgemental. You know who you are, thank you.And to everyone else who has taken the trouble to visit... life's precious baba. Each day has a lot many firsts... enjoy them. Each day has a lot many surprises and cute moments... savor them. At the end of the day remember that you are needed and loved... and like Keating says it,

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed...

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean,
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear the mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Living might mean taking chances..
But they're worth taking.
Lovin' might be a mistake...
But it's worth making.
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to selling out.. Reconsider,
Give the heaven's above, more than just a passing glance..
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door opens, I hope one more opens,
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance..

I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.

Wishing you guys all the love in life! May God bless..

57 things that make life worth living.

2007-01-06T17:00:00.001+08:00

1)Blowing the gel out of gel pens.
2)Being loud at inappropriate times.
3) Smelling the rain and drinking hot coffee at the same time.
4)Hot chocolate just after getting soaked.
5)Feeling your stomach hurt after laughing too much.
6)That feeling of being in a movie.
7)Everything about the beach.
8)Hearing the right song at the right time.
9)Hugs when you really need them.
10)Knowing that someone understands without having to tell them.
11)Waking up really late after one hell of a crazy night.
12)Singing
13)Lying on the beach at night staring at the stars.
14)Realizing your crush likes you.
15)Road trips with friends.
16)Sleepovers with no sleep involved.
17)Dancing in the rain.
18)Sparkly purply stuff
19)Feeling loved.
20)foodfight with gooey food.
21)Making people laugh.
22)Being part of a winning team.
23)New clothes.
24)Being happy high.
25)Smelling nice and knowing it.
26)Going into random stores, trying on stuff,taking pictures and then leaving.
27)Laughing for no reason at all.
28)Big bear hugs.
29)Chocodip ice cream.
30)Seeing someone you love after a long time.
31)Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
32)laughing and crying at the same time.
33)Crying when you see or hear something really beautiful.
34)Looong walks with friends.
35)People playing with your hair.
36)Wearing prettiful clothes.
37) Exchanging lame-o-supremeo jokes and laughing until you cry.
38)Knowing that you aren't the only one.
39)Doing well in an exam.
40)Gossip.
41)Knowing something no one else does.
42)People remembering you as that girl who won that competition.
43)people you don't know recognizing you.
44)Having long late conversations.
45)Having No work to do.
46)Presents.
47)Knowing you did the right thing.
48)Doing something nice for someone you love.
49)Being in your happy special world.
50)Going fast on an open highwaywith the windows down and the music up.
51)Secrets
52)Compliments
53)Reading a really good book.
54)People calling at midnight to wish you a happy birthday.
55)Being the best.
56)Going crazy
57)Making Lists.....

HAPPY 2007!!!! :D

MERRY Xmas!

2006-12-25T17:30:00.000+08:00

MERRY XMAS!!
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :)
yup..it's my birthday!! :))

:)

2006-12-22T21:35:00.000+08:00

Don't Quit
When things go wrong
as they will sometimes will,
When the road you're
trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing,
you down a bit,
Rest if u must
But don't you quit.

the princess.........

2006-12-15T21:23:00.000+08:00

I have never considered myself an attractive girl, I am no head-turner….but yes, things changed when I met him.It was no love at first sight , in fact, it wasn't even love! He was not drop-dead gorgeous or anything, but everything about him makes me wonder how God actually made for me the perfect person,and snatched him right away.

I had met him at my School culture ,he was one of the two in the quiz show, the show whose committee I was heading. I am a great quizzer, but this guy just stunned me , not only for his brilliance but his subtlety, humility and oh, that slight smile that sends shivers down my spine even now, as I think of it.

I watched spellbound for the entire one hour of the quiz show, as he silently discussed every question with his friend, who was obviously not as smart. I watched as he let his friend answer, and gently smiled and noted down the points their team had scored for every correct answer, so different from his friend who made a 'Whooo!' for every correct answer. I was full of admiration for him.

It turned into the pleasantest thing in the world when he looked up and looked me in the eye, the beginnings of a smile evident on his lips. One look, and he made me feel like a princess. I was a princess. His princess. We both knew it. Though it's more than a year since I met him, I am his princess. I will be, even if I never meet him again.

When you are down.....

2006-12-14T19:14:00.000+08:00

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be. That's when you have to reassure yourself that things will get better soon.There will be times when people will disappoint you and let you down. But those are the times when you must learn to trust your own judgements and opinions.There will be challenges to face and several changes to adapt to, and it is upto you to accept them.Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction, for it may not be easy at times, but in those tough times of struggle, you'll find a stronger sense of who you are.So, when the days come that are filled with frustration & unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all that you want your life to be.Because challenges & changes will only help you find your goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

The higher the goal,
The harder the climb.
But taken each day one step at a time;
The goal is accomplished.
The dream is attained.
And the prizes??
The Wisdom and Strength that are gained.

2006-12-12T20:43:00.000+08:00

I'll survive!
I haven't even been looking at what has been happening in my blog for a while... it seemed to be asleep, devoid of much activity, and I felt so bad for it, my poor lil' blog!!It's been a helluva busy weekend and an even worse Monday of a new week. I'm just hoping I survive this week too, just like I survived today.

STUCK...

2006-12-02T22:42:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I blogged.sorry..my streamyx connection was down.Life's been ok. I've been thinking a lot. About everything. About my friends, family,relatives,school...about my future...about music, academics....about myself. Thanks to my mum, I'm thinking about poor people in Africa. Basically I'm in a highly confused state. I was probably less confused before I got into this thinking spree (couldn't think of another word). Everyone is always thinking. Its a fact. Sometimes, you think harder than others. The topics I have mentioned are extremely suitable for hard thinking. Once you start thinking about any of the above mentioned things, you can't stop. The harder you try to think about something as inane and nonsensical as the things you're usually thinking about, the harder it becomes to stop thinking about the sensible and frankly, quite scary things that you usually don't think about. I don't know why I want to stop thinking about these things. Probably, some time in the future when I am thinking about nonsensical things, I will think to myself - "Instead of thinking about this nonsense, why don't I think about something sensible?" But quite obviously, sense does not come to me on demand, and when it does come, it scares the shit out of me as it is doing now, and leaves me resolving to study harder, practice harder, try to improve myself as a person. I will study for at least 2 hours in a day, I tell myself. I need to do well, its STPM, my life depends on the results of this exam. I tell myself I will wake up by 5:30 or 6 every morning and practice. These resolutions usually last for about a day. Then, somehow, they manage to worm their way out of my life, leaving me as useless as I was before. So now, I think to myself, why resolve? You promise yourself you will do all these things, but you never do. Where does that leave me? Resolving to keep my resolutions. Ha...quite a vicious cycle, isn't it?I'm confused. Confused about everything. Confused about my family, my friends, my future. Myself. 'What will you do after my STPM?' everyone asks me. 'What will I do after my STPM?' I ask myself. God alone knows, and I have a suspicion that even he (she?) isn't too sure right now. Medicine? No chance(am a art's student). Bussines(nah..)….law( maybe). So that leaves me with....well...nothing. Nothing concrete at any rate. '. Not too encouraging I must say.

2006-11-14T22:05:00.001+08:00

The skies have opened up and decided to flood in pj or so it seems. Nice clean wet air .. and the city is all washed.. and of course flooded in most places.On such days, you stay in, listen to your favorite music. Clean up .. organize things.. pretty good I say. There is a strange satisfaction in cleaning up and keeping things where they are supposed to be. Of course I am the primary messy person in the house. But when I do clean up, its pretty wonderful. I am not going to go all modest here. heheEven though a lot of things dont change in the world around you, and people are just the same, some days seem like the 'right' days. Everything is joyful, and pink and happy and pappy. Though I become very depressed on days when there is no sun and my mood is as dull and rained in as the weather outside, today was an exception. Probably my first for a pretty long time. You just feel like smiling away. My friend called. Spoke to him.

There were days when I have felt like people around me were either in slow motion so that I observe them better or they are running too fast that I dont understand whats going on. Felt lost. The situations are the same. But today I am looking at things with the what will be, will be kinda attitude. Being in the moment. And smiling at things around and giving a sigh that is bundled with a smile. Some days are like this. It will be good when you have everyday like this. But then this is life.. Some days there are different experience from a heavy heart. And some days there are different experiences from a joyous heart. I have seen that dwelling in some emotions is liberating in a way. Lessons learnt everyday. Lessons learnt everyday about who yo are. What makes you. For when you cant understand yourself, you dont know what you want, recognize who you are bit by bit, you are not living at all. Probably the prime goal from when we take in the first breath ever, with each movement and each step, should be to know to ourselves. Then, probably one day, we will have the answer to why things happen the way they do .. at least I hope I do. There must be a purpose and a reason for everything...

AM BORED AND I FEEL LIKE DOING THIS TAG!!!!

2006-11-13T18:06:00.000+08:00

the rules:bold the statements that are true to you.
italise the statements that you WISH are true.
leave the fibs alone.
then, stab 5 people to do the same test.

i miss somebody right now.

i don't watch tv these days.

i wear glasses or contact lenses.

i love to play video games

i've tried marijuana.

i have been in a threesome.

i have been in a threesome.

i have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

i believe honesty is usually the best policy.

i have changed mentally over the last year.

i carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

i curse

i'm totally smart.

i've broken someone's bones.

i'm paranoid sometimes.

i would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

i need money right now.

i love sushi.

i talk really, really fast.

i have long hair.

i have lost money in las vegas.

i have at least one sibling.

i have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.

i couldn't survive without caller id.

i like the way i look.

i am usually pessimistic.

i have a lot of mood swings.

i have a hidden talent.

i'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.

i have a lot of friends.

i am currently single.

i have pecked someone of the same sex.

i enjoy talking on the phone.

i practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

i love to shop.

enjoy window shopping.

i would rather shop than eat.

i don't hate anyone.

i'm a pretty good dancer.

i'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

i have a cell phone.

i believe in god.

i watch mtv on a daily basis.

i have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

i've rejected someone before.

i want to have children in the future.

i have changed a diaper before.

i've called the cops on a friend before.

i'm not allergic to anything.

i have a lot to learn.

i'm shy around member of the opposite sex.

i have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.

i have tried alcohol before.

i own the " south park" movie.

i would die for my best friends.

i think that pizza hut has the best pizza.

i have used my sexuality to advance my career.

i love michael jackson, scandals and all.

halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

i watch spongebob squarepants and i like it.

i am happy at this moment!

i'm obsessed with guys.

i tie my shoelaces differently from anyone i've ever met.

i study for tests most of the time.

i am comfortable with who i am right now.

i have more than just my ears pierced.

i walk barefoot wherever i can.

i have jumped off a bridge.

i love sea turtles.

i spend ridiculous money on makeup.

i plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

i'm proficient in a musical instrument.

i worked at mcdonald's restaurant.

i hate office jobs.

i love sci-fi movies.

i think water rules.

i went to college out of state.

i like sausages.

i love kisses.

i fall for the worst people.

i adore bright colours.

i can't live without black eyeliner.

i don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.

i usually like covers better than originals.

i can pick up things with my toes.

i can't whistle.

i can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither.

i have ridden/owned a horse.

i still have every journal i've written in.

i can't stick to a diet.

i talk in my sleep.

i try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.

i have jazz in my blood.

climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.

i wear a toe ring.

i can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.

i am a caffeine junkie.

i cosplay or know what cosplaying is.

i have been to over 15 conventions.

i will collect anything and the more nonsensical the better.

i'm an artist.

i only clean my room when necessary.

i like a person of the same sex.

i love being happy.

i am an adrenaline junkie.

The screwed-up system that actually works fine!

2006-10-30T17:39:00.000+08:00

Remember that quote we used to write in our friends' autograph books when we were young?

"Friendship is like chinaware
Beautiful, fragile and rare
Once broken, can be mended
But the crack is always there"

And then we grew up and these quotes started to appear silly. We started to behave all mature and diplomatic. We started to pretend we did not see the cracks.
However, at times I feel that I may have natured in many ways, but when it comes to my friends, I lose about 17 years of my age. Even though I have become more cynical of friendships over the years, and I have very few friends who I'm really really close to, but I love them, get angry with them, miss them, accuse them, hurt them, fight with them, forgive them, ask for forgiveness and often get very silly and emotional about them.
And the most amazing thing is - I do all these things not just with people I know, but even with my not-really-close friends, people I have never met before, but some of whom I cherish deeply.

What scares me is that contrary to my belief, I may never meet them in this lifetime.

But other than that, they're as much my friends as my real-life friends are. The funniest thing is - I have even had such major fights with a few of my not-really-close friends that they have ended in fallouts. And I often wonder - do, or rather, can grown-ups really have fallouts with people they have never met??
Sometimes we take certain liberties with our friends, we say and do things that we don't mean in the way it is received. And we don't realise they may have hurt our friend. And if our friend does not talk about it, we just move on not even realising that a friend is still nursing a wound caused by our words. It's only when one fine day, we're hurt by our friend's words, and we don't talk about it, that we realise that our friend does not even realise we're still nursing a wound caused by his/her words.
If you're fortunate enough to be able to bring it out and talk about it, things may heal for good. Sometimes you can forgive easily, sometimes you are forgiven easily. But at other times, it's not so easy. And it's tempting to sweep the matter under the carpet. We may feel that's the mature thing to do. Just forget about it. But if we can't forget, why pretend? What's the point in being all mature and grown-up, if the problem is still gnawing at the back of our minds? By pretending to be okay when we're not, we're being unfair not just to ourselves but also to our friend who thinks we're okay. Sometimes, a fallout is better than a friendship held together for the mere sake of holding it together.
Over the years, I've come to realise that fallouts are not personal failures. If you can't forget, there is no point forgiving. You just have to move on. Don't look back - just let it go.
But what I am glad about is that there are certain friendships where you can have a fallout, you can patch up, and surprisingly, the crack will not be there. The only problem is that such friendships are extremely rare. Chemistry like that happens only if you're very very lucky.I guess it's part of the package. You hurt your friends. Your friends hurt you. Fallouts happen. There's no way out of it. That's how the system works.

Luckily, there's something so endearing about the bond of real friendship, that when we find friends who really matter, we just find a way to work around the screwed-up system!

miss me?

2006-10-18T21:49:00.000+08:00

Missed me? I know you have. First things first. Well, you can say that blogging hasn't exactly been on top of my list of priorities of late.Sad, but true.First the final exams bugged the shit outta me. I think am gonna flunk my bussines paper. I guess I had to join the fail club one day or the other. Open the drinks please.I guess the other exams I did decently. Ok, Change topic.Academics disgust me.Ah..yes..i got tagged…!!
Tagged by Voon Fei!
Let’s get started…

SINGLE OR TAKEN?
Well..err single..

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE NOW?
Yes!!! cauze EXAMZ over!

WHEN YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON, DO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM/HER?
I-don’t-know!

HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN? LEARNT A LESSON?
NOPE..not at all!

DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE CHEATING LOVE IS ACCEPTABLE?
Ha..ha.. u r asking a wrong person for advice!

WOULD YOU TAKE SOMEONE BACK IF HE CHEATS ON YOU?
Hell,NO!

HAVE YOU EVER TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE ANOTHER BEFORE?
Yes..with my parents.

DO YOU WANT CHILDREN?
U seriously want me to answer this ques?? Question pass…

HOW MANY?
H-o-w M-a-n-y?? BIG SIGH..!

WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER ADOPTION?
Y not?

IF SOMEONES LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW,WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST WAY TO LET YOU KNOW HIS/HER FEELINGS?
Tell me face-to-face about his feelings to me! Am I being to demanding? Nah..i don’t think so….

DO YOU ENJOY GETTING INTO RELATIONSHIPS?
Relationships? Yah sometimes….

Be honest. What is the furthest thing you and ur ex did?
Ex! U got to be kidding me!

DO YOU BELIEVE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
Yeah..maybe!

ARE YOU ROMANTIC?
For me to know, for you to guess? Am I?

DO U BELIEVE YOU CAN CHANGE SOMEONE?
Change someone? That’s imposibble…

IF YOU COULD GET MARRIED TO SOMEWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Who cares about da place? As long as, I am happy!

DO YOU GIVE IN EASY WHEN YOU ARE FIGHTING?
ERR..Yeah…..yes!

DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
Ermm… yes!

DO YOU EVER WISHED THAT YOU COULD HAVE SOMEONE BUT YOU MESSED IT UP?
YES!

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A HEART?
YES!

IF ONE DAY YOUR BEST FRIEND FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH, WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Give-in…for friendship although it hurts…

ARE YOU MISSING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

WHO IS ON YOUR MIND THAT YOU WISH TO TAG NOW?
Everyone in my friends’ list!!!

ARrrrGggggHHHHHHH!!!

2006-10-09T18:58:00.000+08:00

Well...I don't have anything to say today. I'm pissed off...in a really pathetic mood. And the worst part about being pissed in the way that I am right now is that since I'm not pissed at or because of any particular thing, I'm pissed off at everything. Right now, every single bloody thing I see is getting on my nerves. The stupid MSN chat window flashing at the bottom of the screen...ugh i wish it was alive so i could kill it. It's soooo HOT in P.J . I feel like killing someone. UGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!ok im going to go find something to kill. God, please help me. bye...i'll try blogging later in life...
Much to your horror,
-kousalia-

NEW LAYOUT !!!!

2006-10-06T00:22:00.001+08:00

Hey,This isn't a proper post, new layout up, whee. I'm not sure many of you will like it, but it's going to have to do until I have the time to make a proper one. Though the layout before was pretty i-don't know-what-to-say, some of my friends pointed out that it wasn't very nice and the layout is boring and plus it wasn't very 'me', which I realised after that point. That added to the fact that I've noticed the same layout on loads of other sites.Well, if this isn't me, I don't know what is. The people to your right *points* are some of my friends. The new layout may not be the best ones but they mean lots to me because of my hard work editing the whole bloody thingi, so, da dum. Anyway, will probably change in a while, don't crib about the colours. Tis close to midnight, so me off for now.. Hit comment boxes and tell me what you think. Byez.

?????

2006-10-03T21:12:00.000+08:00

Is life what we make it? Or is it already mapped out for us?Do we have the power to control our lives? Or are our lives out of our control?

...I want some answers to these questions, but then, doesnt everyone ?! There is no answer, because there is no way of finding out. All we must do is take the advice of the great saying, 'Live each moment as if its your last, because you never know when it will be'. People might think of this as morbid, but, to me, its an amazing piece of advice that everyone should listen to.!

We sit, watching time tick by, being bored...when for some people they are grasping at time with every last breath. How fair is it that some people have all the time in the world and simply waste it, whilst others have precious little time?? People claim they are not afraid of dying, and i guess in a way im not either, but then what is it that fills us with dread when that time comes?!...i think i realised the answer today, for me anyway, its the fear of what i shall miss that haunts me most. Not being able to wake up in the morning, with the sun blazing outside, not being able to giggle with my friends over silly little things, missing the smell of bacon cooking when i wake up, and so much more...the thought of life without these things is unbearable.

I guess this blog is kinda pointless, cept to say, to my mates and everyone in my life, i love you, thankyou for being there, and however often we may argue i never mean the hurtful things i say.!! Love you guys xxx

L-O-V-E

2006-09-26T19:31:00.000+08:00

The omnipotent question which is probably why the earth keeps spinning on its axis, and why planets get added and chucked out from the solar system is probably this.. What is love? I tell you, that one question is a mega Multi Zillion Dollar Industry. Movies, ads, books, restaurants everything run on that. Ok, lets be more specific. Scoping men and women out. I bet my, um.... ok I am not a gambler, this post, that most dinners or lunches have conversations revolving around this question. Someone wants to figure someone out. Such conversations are passed on coffee, and food that gets pushed about the plate. Does he love me? Does she love me? Who knows mate? But this must be one of the most fun parts of a relationship that may go either downhill or uphill or might not start up at all. And how someone never knows the answers for themselves but do for everyone else.People meet the wrong people all the time.I came upon this book which talked about all that a guy would do when he 'is into you'. Well one, he will call. Five times a day. Or something like that. Now that would seriously infringe upon my life. Give me a break!! Five times a day?? "He will do what he said he will do unless there is a personal emergency". Like he says he will call you at something-o-clock, he should. Else he doesnt like you that much. Apparently in spite of demanding work schedules. Or a boss breathing down the neck. And several such things. As I went through the book, I saw that I couldnt agree with so many things in there. Give me science anyday, saying that a woman or a man can/cannot do this, this and that-this because of some nerve running somewhere, or some nerve that doesnt, easier to understand. And its amazing how so many magazines make money with this topic. And the 'try to understand him/her' phase is seriously tough and time consuming and frustrating. Look for clues people say. What clues? And then dont read too much into that. Be interested but be coy. Be busy but be available. Bleeeaarrgh.. Why cant things be simpler. One answer thats given. Men chase. And women like to be hunted. So when did we go back to the Stone Age? Hunters and Gatherers? So many centuries of evolution we talk about and we are talking primitive again. We all keep guessing. He said that. She did this. Damn he is rotten. Damn she is from hell. Why cant we be adults and sit across the table and finish it off and not put in so much energy into thinking unnecessarily? People dont be honest with someone else, because they dont want to put themselves in line. Tough thing there. At the end of the day. There is only one thing. Your life is your own. Your situations are your own. And when you choose to like someone you need to love yourself first. Understand yourself first. Know what you want. From yourself, from the other person and as a twosome. Sure things need not happen all the time. Looking for someone to complete you is probably not the answer. Everyone who loves Tom Cruise gushing that line, please forgive me. You need to be complete. You cant be incomplete and keep looking for someone to fill up that space. You need to be at peace with yourself. If you are expecting him/her to do something, dont keep it in and expect the thought to be conveyed telepathically. Speak it out and if the other person is comfortable, great. After a point in time, people will be pretty much tuned into one another to understand the other pretty well. Even then, somethings need to be said loud and clear. Dont confuse yourself and the other person. A relationship is not just hard work, its complete menial labour, and while you are at it, get in the gadgets and make things easier. You have the words, speak out. And having said all that, when a man says he is not monogamous, and he is not ready for commitment/marriage (usually means not with you)yeah, pretty much believe him, and when a woman says she is looking for a man with financial security, yeah, she might not settle for anything less. AND absolutely no one is worth endless heartache, or crying yourself to sleep. NO ONE. Period.

You Know You're Malaysian When...

2006-09-23T20:18:00.000+08:00

You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaperlah ..."

You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents.

You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it?s got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen."

You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway.

You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?"

You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster.

You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster."

You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight.

You feel a burning desire to send text messages and even have the gall to give your friend a blow-by-blow account of the movie to your friend on the handphone ? during the screening of the movie. "Okay, now that girl Lizzie is impersonating an Italian singer; she so doesn?t look Italian ..."

You forsake your loved ones for the all-important four letter-word: S-A-L-E. "Sorry, mum, I can't take you to Aunt Mary?s because I have to go to MidValley before the crowd." You?re also more than happy to be part of the insane traffic jam that forms around malls during weekends and sale periods.

Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out ? I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support."

You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to study-lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk"

You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak.

You have owned at least one Proton in your lifetime. Cheap, cheap. That is until you start to make enough dough to buy that Honda you've been salivating over.

You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help ? the victim could be a robber!

You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are adequate bays.

You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line.

You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late ? Malaysian time, what ...

You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better.

You greet your friend / neighbor / acquaintance on the street with "How are things?" or "Have you eaten?" or better yet, by stating the obvious: "Went to market ah?"

Ramlee burger is the "piece de resistance" of your growing-up-years cuisine.

You catch all major televised events at the mamak.

You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking ? keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like.

You get the whole family dressed to the nines, jump into the car and head for the minister's open house ? and ask for styrofoam boxes and plastic bags to tar pau food.

Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with.

You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere.

You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!"

You dig deep into your pockets to contribute to the latest appeal for donations in the newspapers.

You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian.

You never travel abroad without a bottle of chilli sauce, or sachets which you can sneak into restaurants.

You're proud to be Malaysian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Malaysian friends!

I LOVE MALAYSIA!!! :)

WhY, What? WHere?..WHatever??

2006-09-21T18:07:00.000+08:00

Who are we all?Where do we come from and where do we go? And what is all that we do in between? What is honesty, what are values?Why is that values are not the same everywhere?Is it really so easy for us to hurt someone without a thought?What is this whole kinda separation in the name of religion.Aren’t we cultivating hatred?Caste,Creed,Community. You wake up in the morning , breathe the air around you, what are we going to do during the day?Are we going to make someone happythat they knows us, or make them curse us with all their might with what we do to them?Why is jealousy and hatred all around? Is it really tough to love?To just be is it tough to be true children of god?To maintain the “clean state” of mind that we had when we were born?Or we were born with all this? When I look at someone, I usually wonder what is going on their minds about me.And I wonder if I had to stand apart and look at myself how would I look?How am I? What do I seem like?What is the impression that I am giving? Do I look stupid?Is it easy to hate and all that tough to love? Is there so much violence in us? What are we here for?What are we expected to do?What is humanity?Are we human at all?Or are we something else?Why can’t there be one world religion?And though people say it, why can’t it be brought to effect?Is it politics,or at the end of the day, doesn’t it boil to the stupidities of the human mind? And why is it that they aren’t too many of us who are comfortable staying alone? Is it because we can’t be alone with ourselves because we are too scary?Can we be happy in a room all by ourselves and with no one to converse with? What do we think of?Can we put thoughts on hold?Yes we can.or so I have read,Is it the thought-less state tough to reach.I read, that to get there, we should first let our thought whoosh by and look at them dispassionately.And then there are gaps between thoughts.Those are the gaps which will slowly become bigger and lead to the thought-less state. The power of the mind..its so written about…still the mind cannot be pinpointed on the anatomy.Psychology doesn’t acknowledge the presence of “mind”.Is it thebrain or is it the heart? Or is it the conscience?Or is the a stream? Does wish fulfillment exist?Somesay natural disasters are manifestations of wish fulfillment…IS IT TRUE? ARE diseases a manifestation of the mind?What is it to have it, what about the laws of karma? Does it mean that we are interefering in someone else’s karma to suffer? Sometimes when I stand infront of the mirror not to satisfy my vanity, but to maybe find out who is the person looking back at me? Can I morph into someone violent? Or can I morph into a saint? Who am I? Am I u? Or am I someone else?Are you me?Are we alone? Are we all pieces of whole? Then why is that we are happy at someone else’s downfall? What is the society? What is the environment if we aren’t the one creating,maintaining,shredding, piercing it again. Isn’t everything around us the way We want it to be?Then why are we always unhappy? And when do I get the answers to the “wity”? And sometimes, why should, why exist?
** Am really sorry for this post or should I say it as those thoughts pent up within me.Well,as what I always say, the only reason I don’t want to talk about them is because they don’t make any sense (ppl might think am INSANE!!!)**

Lies

2006-09-08T17:46:00.000+08:00

Have you ever told a lie?No?Never? Well, that's definately a lie. All of us have told lies...starts out of these small "white" lies like "Yes ma, I fed the fish","Yes ma, I ironed my my uniform" and "Yes ma, I polished my shoes" which slowly convert into other lies like "Yes ma,I'm studying" when you are actually reading Harry Potter and the order Of the Phoenix and they become"Yes ma, I rocked my maths exam",when in truth the exam rocked you. Now ,when I've come out of the exam hell *sorry hall* ,I know i'll only score only around you-don't-want-to-know.Brilliant-I told my mother that I has expecting so and so. I had a feeling, like this great big rock that pops on the pitfalls of your stomach from the very heavens.The time of enlightment. The time of great realization.I wasn't telling lies, no sirree. Right now, I can't say anyting. My hands are just typing off their own accord. Listen. I know what I'm gonna tell you is beyond lameness, but then again, when you have done horribly in a test and don't want to tell your parents or when you've not really ironed your shirt or fed the fish or when you don't really feel like telling that really cool friend of yours that his swearing's a little overboard instead laughing or encouraging him/her. STICK TO THE TRUTH. I know what you are thinking right now. I sound like your dear mum, don't I? ok, don't listen to me... but don't say I didn't warn you when that great big heavy rock of truth bungee jumps in your stomach on your own day of enlightment.
Miserably yours,
kousalia

sigh

2006-09-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD?
So what if I was the last one to come to know about something momentous.
WHY AM I SO HURT?
So what if the person to whom it happened to is(was) someone I considered very close to me?
So what if I had to know of it through someone to else minutes before I was told by the person concerned?
WHY DO I FEEL SO LEFT OUT?
Like i'm not in the circle anymore? Was i Ever 'in' the 'circle'?
So what if the person concerned is feeling terrible for not having told me before?
Why should I forgive him?

I hate u!!!

2006-09-01T17:54:00.001+08:00

I don't care whatever you say about me. I don't give too S*** about you.Your words draws blood without you realising it.Words can harm and heal,your words, killed me. I had enough! You are such a pain.Do you really think you can say whatever you want???You are giving me such a miserable life! What the hell are you thinking?It hurts.... You think you are Hot, sassy, cool???Let me tell you something *YOU ARE NOT, B****!...i hate u! U R THE MOST TERRIBLE PERSON on earth!!! and you know what I don't care about you.

*sorry,ppl...for this post. I had enough.I just wanted to write,type,scribble about what I felt! I'm angry with someone so..am really sorry for this post*

mISSING!

2006-08-26T15:03:00.000+08:00

It's Saturday. Again . And it feels like yesterday that it was Monday. Last week's monday. Where did my time go?*shakes fist at the heavens* Gimme back my ten days, dude.Or at least some idea as to what I have been up to.Other than the feeling that my brains have turned to molasses.

Yaaaaargh.

Tagged!

2006-08-23T16:23:00.000+08:00

I'm tired and my head hurts and I don't feel like writing a real post, so I'm gonna do the "seven things" meme that's been floating around. I have been floating around. I have been officially tagged by samantha. So let's get started!

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARES ME
-Heights, I'm getting better at this, but I start to panic if I'm to high up.
-Meeting new people, I get knots in my stomach if I know I have to.
-Horror movies
-Dogs,....(no..no)
-My future
-Losing loved ones in general
-Being stuck in a small place where I can't breathe

SEVEN THINGS i LIKE
-Travel that opens my mind's eye and broadens my horizon
-Books
-Gatherings with my cousins as I cherish them
-Hanging out with close friends
-Freedom
-Dark chocolate
-Food

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM
-My bed
-mirror
-Cd-player
-cupboard
-CDS
-books
-Clothes (duh)

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
- I am random
-I'm always online...because I can't go out at night.
-I am tall
-I believe in karma
-I can't cook
-I have a really,really bad sense of direction
- I'm open-minded

SEVEN THINGS i PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
-Skydive
-charity
-go to a local university (atleast)
-learn to cook well
-be a millionaire (fat hope)
-Visit all the seven wonders of the world
-find a life partner

SEVEN THINGS i CAN DO
-Dance
-Sing
-go anywhere and not be prissy about things
-Cry while watching movies
-Work under constant pressure'
-shop for hours
-Write really fast

SEVEN THINGS i CAN'T DO
-puT on a fake smile
-Say "I LOVE U" when I don't really mean it
-Eat tomato just like that
-Not feel bad if I just walk pass a beggar without giving him any money
-Leave a messy and dirty room as it is(in my own house)
-Get straight to the point
-Tolerate rude behaviour

SEVEN THINGS i SAY MOST
-What
-Hey,ppl
-yah..
-oh really
-mmmmmhmmm
-whatever
-oh gosh

SEVEN PEOPLE WHO WILL HAVE TO DO THIS
-i'M not gonna tag anybody because the tag above has made the rounds already and everybody pretty much answered this.

" A walk to remember"

2006-08-17T17:39:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone....
I just got back from school.Since my school life are such a big part of my life(school starts at 7.30a.m and ends at 1.10 p.m) , 6 hours per day, 30 hours per week excluding saturday and sunday. I thought I'd give all you people who are jobless enough to read my blog an insight into my school life, so you may also experience the"joy" I do throughout my 6 hours school per day.
My school is located right beside "Jabatan Filem Negara". As my classroom is situated 2 to 3 km(am not exaggerating) away from the school gate, so I have to force myself to walk to my classroom. I am greeted warmly by the aroma of rubbish bin (stinks) wafting through my nostrils. As I approach my class,this smell becomes so overpowering that I am forced to pinch my nose as hard as I can to avoid passing out. I run to my classroom as fast as possible.can I despite the feelings of nausea and dizzyness that overcome me. On the rare occasions that I don't pass out due to these overwhelming sensations ,I proceed to the class doorstep and enter the class. The room in which the actual"teaching" is conducted is roughly the size of a (never-mind-I-don't -want-to-mention-it)..There is no toilet nearby our classroom.DAMN! *note this down..(If u want to go to the toilet u have to walk another 2 km way from the classroom). There is some sort of device attached to the ceiling which spins around and around (the teacher continuously refer to this object as a fan).This always puzzled me, as even though it looks somewhat like a fan.it's function seems to be in no way related to a that of a fan. There are 17 students in my class and guess who is the class monitor? Well..err..yEAH IT'S ME!! so get the picture ,how noisy the class will be if there's no teacher in the class? ha..ha..ha..and yah before I forget there are hell loads of mosquitos.(arghhh..).
Anyway ... once the teacher's starts teaching , my eyes slowly close.Its as if suddenly, there are heavy stones in my eyelids and I just CAN NOT keep my eyes open. I try my hardest to force them open but it doesn't work. With my eyes closed, I try to take down notes in my notebook. The teacher keeps looking at me and asking me if I understood.With a great deal of effort, I force my eyes open and look at her and surprisingly , manage a half a node. And so class proceeds. Invariably, I awaken sometime in the middle of the class, when she announces a test. I very enthusiastically join the rest of the class in their attempts to persuade her not to conduct any such test.Once this discussion is concluded, and a test date is announced, the stones somehow work their way back into my eyelides, and I gradually fall back into my usual state of half-sleep. Each 6 hour class feels like a year atleast.
Now THAT's what I call learning!! :P

Something is not right!!

2006-08-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

I don't know what happened to me?...Numb.. sad...angry...??? I don't know! .. I feel so unhappy and the best part is I dunno why? God, what'z wrong with me? Why? I never felt like this before! Goodness...somebody help me! and I hate it! With hate in capital H, capital A, capital T and capital E, bold and italicized for further enhancement.....*sob..sob*

,,,,,,

2006-08-10T19:33:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days when I really wanted to talk.Just talk about all those thoughts pent up within me,thoughts that are killing me. The only reason I don't want to talk about them is because they don't make any sense (just like this post if you are actually reading this).Have you ever tried to trace yours thoughts back? If you are actually as jobless as I am, try it one day. The place where you actualy end up will have nothing what so ever to do with where you stared out from. This always amazes me. Memories are mind's way of remembering and caring. Maybe I care too much. The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was to look out of my window. Just standing there and looking out makes me feel great. It doesn't have the world's greatest view. But I love standing there and watching people go on with their mundane daily chores. The bachelor who lives in the opposite house, working out and desperately trying to pump up, the little girl who lives in the same building running all over the place to get ready to school,the two little girls who are holding hands, waiting for their school bus , the housewife next door hurrying to the gym after packing off her daughter to school, the guy next door washing his car, all the housewives haggling with vegetable vendor on the street, the construction workers getting ready for a hard day's work. Something was happening with everyone around. It got me thinking about myself, my life. All the things that are going wrong and all the things that are going right, all the things I'm missing, all the things I'm desperately yearning for, all things I'm turning a blind eye to and all the things I'm running after.
Nostalgia, home-sickness and loneliness are not exactly the world's greatest combination.

The laws of life..

2006-08-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

1) The two most common element in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3) Money can't buy happiness. But it makes misery easier to live with.

4) Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK,
you're it.

5) Nothing in the own universe travels faster than a bad check.

6) A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

7) It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8) Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

9) If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

10) COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

11) The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult
it was.

12) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

13) Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

14) The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.

15) Clothes make the man.Naked people have little or no influence on society.

16) Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to
where you can't find them.

17) Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

PS : Groan!

STOP!!

2006-08-02T21:24:00.000+08:00

I've had it! Enough of homeworks. Enough of studying.

Enough.

All of us(my friends and I) used to be a happy bunch of people. Now we're all...bleargh. There is no life left in us.

I hate it! Hate.

Seriously, I've had enough of homeworks , enough studying , enough pretending to study.Enough of it all.

I think i'm going to stop studying. Take a look at the world and see if its still going round. Enjoy my last few days of the year.

Actually, I think not. Assignments to hand in tommorow. Have to go and do it! Have to go study.Damn...Stpm..sucks!

Bleargh.

Ta.

Think About It!!

2006-07-30T01:27:00.000+08:00

This is something I have been thinking about for a little a while now.Are we growing up too fast?Are we too preoccupied with becoming adults?So much so that we forget to be children?But then again,maybe that's just part of maturing.But still,does that meanwe are maturing.But still, does that mean we are maturing too fast?If we're already mature,when are we going to enjoy the immature irresponsibility of child hood? My head is spinning.
One question I'd like to ask everyone. Are relationships in school actually meaningful?I don't mean friendly relationships,I mean girl-boy relationships. Do we even know what real affection and love is? What is the point of the whole exercise. Sometimes is sad to hear people breaking up.....(you know who you are)......
If you think there are going to be some answers after this, you are wrong.I don't have any answers to those questions. Why are we snowed under with work, that we don't have any time to play? Isn't that reserved for grown ups?We prepare so much for the future that we forget about the present.The present just becomes a backward extension of the future.We want to get into a good college, to get a good job, to earn money,to support our families and take care of their futures. At every point in our lives, we are looking at the future, without bothering about the present.That's why small things irritate us because they obstruct our view of the future. We need to live in the present sometimes, to ensure life doesn't just go past in a mindless haze,where we move from one way to another.
Pardon me for sounding unrealistic,but,if you look at it logically,the future is our only source of worry. Why do we dwell on it so much? Why are we so willing to think about worries ?Sometimes, when I have a lot of work to do, and there's a lot of pressure on my head, I just stop whatever i'm doing and go do something completely different. Sure, I get blasted later, but, I'm not too scared of a blasting once in a while, and I do have fun in the intermediate period.On the other hand , if I finish my work,I go to school next day, submit it, feel happy,and then go home with more work..
I may have exaggerated here and there, but you get the picture. I feel, we give too much weight to the future, which is absolutely uncertain whatever we try to do about it. Why can't we try and leave some things to chance, things which are decided by chance anyway?

Life...

2006-07-27T15:58:00.000+08:00

Today is Thursday, 27th July, 2006.
Millions of babies took their first breath of air today.Millions of people took their last breath today.Today may have been a very special day in the lives of many, many people. But for me, what is today?Just another day. Just another ordinary day, wake up early, go to school, attended meeting, study for a while, and then here i am, back Home. Blogging. After today gets over, it will disappear. Thursday, 27th july 2006 will disappear into the nothingness that most of the days of my (almost) 18 years of life have dissapeared into. A few years back from now, I won't remember today.WHY? Because I haven't made today something for me to remember.I have not lived my life to day in a way that will make me look upon this day as.....anything.
It's not that I want to remember today as the day of a particular occurance or incident.That I can't expect. And I'm not looking for fun either. I want each and every single day of my life to stand out because of a feeling.The feeling that I could not have lived that day any better or any more.The feeling that I could not given myself anymore in life because of the way that I have been throughout the day.The feeling that I have given the world my 100% all through that day.
but how? Everyone need to eat,sleep.I definitely need to study,I do whatever I have to, I waste some time. Even if I think back, I don't see what I could done differently today.Wake up earlier?study more? I know that I will not go to sleep tonight feeling satisfied with my day.I know that I will feel that there is something missing, that there is something more that i could have done. But what is that something? I have no answer.
The more I think about it, the more I realize just how short life is. The past few years of my life have gone past in a flash.The next few will too. Where will I be? What will I be doing? There are questions that only time can answer. And i'm not in a hurry. But my fear is that I will wake up one morning, say 15 years from today, and I will think to myself that I have not given myself what I deserve. That I am not being what I can be, what I'm capable of being.And that July 27th,2020 will be another day that dissapears into nothingness without that feeling.
LIVE- it's a funny word.Most people don't live.They just exist.I don't want to be one of those people.I want to live.LIVE.I want to give myself everything I can.
Excuse my rambling.There are too many thoughts in my head.I don't know if this post has made even a bit of sense.
I once heard that every single person starts dying from the moment they're born.It's true.Think about it!

o-nite speech! over!

2006-07-23T23:54:00.000+08:00

YAY.......
I'm done!I can't believe it! DONE!!

No more Speech! No more speech EVER!WOW!
What a joy!!!

I can't believe I survived.I can't believe it's over.It's a chapter of my life that's closed!
It seems so abrupt.That's it? A(rather bad) boring speech,and it's over?I'm not making much sense today.I'm too hyper.I'll stop getting on your nerves now!I'm on the verge of going completely insane.I'll post when i can sit in one place for more than 5 minutes.For now,
I'm going to go jump around.
I love life!!!!

changed?? me?? i dunno..u tell me!

2006-07-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

Liya...
-you changed a lot
-you are so different.
-you were the homely type girl
-very "passive"..you weren't active at all...
-now you are" new" kousalia
-you are famous now....
This are the words that often used by my close friends nowadays.I don't know whether , I really changed? I think it's mainly because of all those post that i have gotten and the activities I have joined in. I
couldn't sleep at night,thinking about all this nonsensical stuff.I really don't know where all this conflict gonna end up? As i said in my earlier post,I'm blinking the world... everyone's so mature,so clear,and then there's me clueless as ever!Am I changing or is it the world that I am living now is changing me?(sounds confusing ??..sorry am a complicated person.)I don't know..I really don't know!@@#$% What happened to me? Am I taking the right path? Am i to accept the fact that i'm changing or to deny the fact! I don't know.Is it good or bad?I'm depressed.I'm in a chaotic state. The people whom I'm closed too...drifting apart..Nothing less..Nothing more.
Why? *sigh*
p/s-----> Thines, I am sorry because I keep on telling u that you are changing and stuff like that(I am so sorry)It was actually a prank,Me and shashi planned it..Ha..ha... I know it's lame.
-----> Aunty,thanks for the wonderful advice that u gave me,i agree to most of it! You are the right person to seek for advice:P....
And not forgetting to those who often read my blog.Thanks for reading all my crappy stuff.

English-setting standards?

2006-07-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

English seems to be the "international language,no doubt-thanks to British imprealism and their love for their language.But surprisingly English is not the widely spoken language in the world inspite of it being the language that is widely "used".Though I love the language and appreciate the role that it plays,I can't stop wondering WHY-especially in malaysia-English is often used as a yardstick To measure one's intelligence and standard.This scene might be familiar to many- you step into a happening place-(okay so you want some examples?Say a pizza hut,midvalley,KLCC,starbucks and the likes...) and if you were to query an attender,you tend to start off in English or more than you do,the attender starts off in English.I am not able to find a reason for this 'strange' behaviour of us (unless we always speak in english?) Now..now..don't think I am against english or something.Its just that,we as malaysians, different cultures and different languages should be proud of their mother-tongue.*sigh*
but these question did occur in my mind for quite sometime:-
A)Is it that we see ourselves on a higher pedestal when speaking in English?
B) or is it that we feel low speaking in our mother tongue?
C)or we feel its only appropriate that we speak in English at such places?

The point I am trying to make here is -I am not the one to raise this issue against English.Infact good knowledge of English might take you places but at the sametime why should I feel low of my mother tongue?I am not sure about other countries, but i find the magnitude of this feeling to be quite high in Malaysia.,where people feel low to talk in their mother tongue.They would even go atlenghts to show their prowess in other languages but not in their mother tongue.Why?Can't seem to find an answer yet....but If you ask me ,I would say you should know how to speak both languages,as in English language and also your mother tongue! And i don't know how it all started?

UPdatE!

2006-07-08T14:23:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone.....

Here's news....

I'm still alive!

Update on my life:
-I have been elected as the form 6 society President(unbelievable?believe it! I can barely believe it myself)
- am in editorial...yes editorial(and datz so not me)
-am a librarian(geez...i'm still figuring out why i joined in?)
-am choosen as a prefect in a boy'z skool(and am so gonna decline it!)
-am a class monitor(yes..more like a useles monitor)
-am in badminton club( need i say more?)
You may ask me...why did u joined in so many activities?The answer is I need my curicular activity marks for my university intake..so yah datz da whole bragging all about
I have been indulged in extreme sloth in the last few dayz..staying back at school,is sooo tiring!
Some warning bells are beginning to go off in my head. I havent picked up a textbook since last week! YES>>I KNOW ..i'm lazy! gosh! Have been busy with assignments and school homeworks! The subjects look alien to me,business studies,economics...arghhhh...i'm clueless! I have nothing poetic to say at the moment..... am just feeling guilty for not studying!
PS Please don't get too scared after reading this post. I am in an extremely crazy mood right now... k..datz all for now!
much love....

Stagnant!

2006-07-05T14:16:00.000+08:00

Something happened to me.My life is stagnant, still. I'm stuck in it! There's nothing happening.I feel the same things I felt last month, last year.I feel the same but everything around me is moving so fast.It's june already.I have 4-5 months left in school,left in the protected world I'm living in,and then BOOM!I'll be sitting for my Stpm examination.Everything will change.The life I'm living in,the way i am interacting with the people in my life today....they will all just be memories to look back on and reminisce about somewhere down the road. God know where i'll be,what i'll be doing two year from today.I'm trying to decide,to come to some sort of conclusion about I want to do.Its just not happening!If i don't think of anything else.I'll just do law.But i'm terrified about what's going to happen to me, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not going to be anything great.Success comes with hardwork, and that seems to be something i'm incapable of nowadays. Believe me,I'm trying.I'm trying to study,to practice,to do something with my time.But as far as i look,all I can remember doing is wasting time. Throwing all the time I spend,down the drain.And the worst part is,when my mom tells me to study,i get irritated. I sit there with my books open ,staring into space,dreaming.What i do dream about?Some nonsense.None of it's going to happen at the rate I'm going.I want to do well.And i used to think I was capable of it.But even if i do manage to put in a bit of work.I end up doing pathetically in the test or whatever it is that i'm working for.What am i doing with myself,my life? That's a question only I can answer.The fact that I can't answer it makes me want to slap myself. My relationship with the people close to me have been changing too.It's been a rough road at home. I can't relate to some of the things my mom say sometimes.All she wants is for me to do well,and since what I want for myself isn't too different.It really confuses me where all the conflict is coming from. I guess she knows what it takes to be what I want to be, to do what I want to do. It's worrying her that i'm generally sitting around when there's much to be done.I'm trying.....Some of my friends,the ones I used to think the closest people to me,who knew me the best...some of them seem to no longer be who i thought they were.I think they still care,but whatever it was we seemed to share,to have in common....looks like that's dissappeared.I love my friends with all my heart,but...there are no such things as substitutes for the people, and it breaks my heart to think of how much things have changed in some ways.Everyone's so grown up, so mature.So clear.And then there's me.Clueless as always,blinking the world. What's wrong with me? Why can't i grow up too? I'm cribbing too much.I'm so lucky..I have everything a person could want, and I have the audacity to complain about it.I suppose i'm just confused.I have just been thinking about these things for a while.I need to get my act together, to stop thinking so much and to do, to be more thoughtful and caring,to work harder....to take responsibility for myself. Please, god, let me grow up!

doomed!

2006-07-03T20:51:00.000+08:00

This blog is doomed!

Will u save it?

It's easy,

just post a comment!

WHY?

2006-07-02T13:58:00.000+08:00

Every day i go to school,I begin to feel more and more that our education system is thoroughly redundant and past its usefulness.While the rest of the world embraces holistic education and all round performance .Our system still focuses entirely on academic performance.Now you tell me,what's the use of getting 11 a1's and 17 a1's..when you can't get yourself a scholarship?What's the point of learning 10 to 17 subjects and pressuring yourself? Malaysian are too narrow minded.All they can think about is getting straight a1's! WHY?? Why do we need to do well in school?To get admission in a good university/college.Why do we need to get into a good university?To earn money.The only reason we go to school and univesity/college now is to earn money not to learn!
I just got off the phone with one of my friend who was in tears because she got shouted by her tuition teacher.Who the hell is a tuition teacher? Why should we even need people like that?Why can't our system have the ability to educate us without the help of others? Why should people like that be given a chance to make us cry? I know what you are thinking,"what's wrong with this direspectful girl?"How can she insult teachers like this? Let me remind you that i'm talking only about tuiton teachers here. School is the institution we put our trust in,have faith in to deliver to us knowledge.Going to a tution teacher,is a proclamation of distrust in the school ability to do its job,to give us knowledge. Our tuiton teacher's aren't our real teachers.There are crutches to help us cope with the incompetence of our school teachers. More than fifty years back,we got our independence from the british, but to this date,the last vesitage of colonisation still remains...OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM! Who are left with a decrepit and dsyfunctional educational system? We,because we're never taught to think of anything absent in our text books. No place for imagination ,no room for vision.Nothing more, nothing less.
*(p/s...am not against tuiton teacher's is just that they should now their limits)

outta ideas!

2006-06-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

Hey all,i'm back!..surprising ain't it.. haven't blogged twice this close together in ages...guess i can't really help that..anyways what'z new, you may ask? There's nothing much...it'z footballl late night then trying to wake urself enough to get to class sit there for almost 8 hours...then get back home and study again and then sleep and repeat the same crap over and over again...but there are rare days where you can watch a movie or two and read a book.As a conclusion it's a major boredom nowadays.Can't live without air-cond these days..its bleeding hot..its like sitting in a permanent sauna..never known good old malaysia to be so humid...reminds me of africa.Doesn't help that i have more than a justified quantity of blubber on me!*I think i'm outta ideas...well i think that explains my title for this post. Yes my mood has steadily improved during the course of this blog...always a good sign should blog more often..much to your horror:P
till next time...
adios!

i Am speechless!!

2006-06-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

Hey...ppl!! I am so happy today!! School was super duper good! i love it! awesome!(well....eventhough i'm in boy'z skool but so WHAT??) I just love it! I have been given responsibilty to organize a fashion show!!! Omg..i am sooo nervous...and my classmates was so helpful! I wasn't feeling lonely....infact the meeting was lively!! The committe was good....they didn't make me feel left out! My seniors was really cool...!! Thankz to my friendz>> Joon harn,Kenny, shiao jeeng,pricilla,kevin,ridwan and my classmates>>>>thank u soo much ppl!!! U guyz did help me a lot!! Support from them do help me a lot to have a strong heart to make my first move as a organizer! So yah...wish me luck!,,,arghhhh..i still can't believe it..am gonna organize something..GOSH!!!*sigh*
I Am just too excited about all this so, plz do excuse my grammatical mistake.

One Of My fav!

2006-06-11T19:40:00.000+08:00

I love da songs in this movie(kanathil mutamittal)...is really nice..very melodious songs! i like one song in particular...kanathil mutamittal song!Singer Chinmayi's voice is really nice! A.r rahman..the best!GOSH.. superb song! This movie is HAVOC!! I luv mani ratnam's movie! so cool.....!:)
Click here to listen
http://www.musicindiaonline.com/l/26/s/movie_name.4619/year.16/

Cousins!

2006-06-05T16:11:00.000+08:00

Today's post specially dedicated to my wonderful happening cousins.My cousins...are the best...without them no meaningful deepavali!Well...we share everything together sadness,happiness, (u name it)...we have been close since we were born...there are times where we faught for stupid dumb reasons..but guess what? That makes us 100% in our circle of cousins..We can talk and talk and talk yet not get bored! Sometimes we do even tease each other by using names that are really ought ...such as...pig..crazy cow,assunta mafia....Gosh..is sooo funny! Anusia,thines,kalai,and hassvini!! u guyz r the best...! I really miss da stupid jokes by kalai,anusia'z....non-stopping laughter for no reason.,thines.. when u talk to him u can never keep track of the time (interesting stories),hass...gosh..she and her Rio ferdinand! Last years..holiday da best eva..we stayed together... late night stories....talking craps...fighting over small matters....ermmm...those memories!!If u guyz are reading this...i just wanna say...Thankz for a shoulder to cry on when i'm in trouble..and be the same alwayz..!!! Miss u guyz loadz!!

I dunno what to name it!

2006-06-02T19:27:00.000+08:00

Last post i wrote about so called studying method..but now..i seriously don't know what to write...scribble..type....(u name it)! I am so sad.Gosh..what a life am i living in?...What da hell is going around me??...My old friends are drifting apart...since all of us are in different colleges now...we have got no time for each other..Assignment, projects,different colleges, new friends drift us apart. I know that something like this will happen sometime but then is just to hard to accept it! High school...the best eva...laughters,joys,happiness,sadness..that i share with my friends...it's something that i'll treasure in my life forever. I learn something today...sometimes we must learn to live in life as it is...well,more like to accept new things in life..for instance new friend,new surroundings...As for now i just want to go with the flow..whatever comes my way,i'll just accept it!

studY..studYing...???

2006-05-31T18:00:00.000+08:00

Today...i'm really bored so i have decided to write something about my life(err more like my life for diz week).It has been really hard because of my form6 classes..The subjects are equally hard and basically i'm taking the following subjects---->business studies,general studies,economics,english and history. Well..right now..i'm having holidays for 2 weeks..so acaramba...joy!! hurray!! But then happiness won't last longer right?? I have got loadz of assignments and studies to be done to...arghhhhh.....!!! Today i have been lazing around the house and right now i'm feeling guilty for not studying. What is studying and how to study? This question occured in me for quite sometime.Well, so i have again decided to find out what is studying and how to study?`...according to Dictionary.com...studying is

To apply one's mind purposefully to the acquisition of knowledge or understanding of (a subject).
-To read carefully.
-To memorize.
-To take (a course) at a school.
-To inquire into; investigate.
-To examine closely; scrutinize.
-To give careful thought to; contemplate: study the next move.
My point here is how do we study?? by memorizing...( HArloo..you don't expect me to memorize da whole stack of history book)...by investigating(ermm...am not a CSI member)...
so yah i have decided to find out how to study...so when i was browsing through the net...i came across this useful method of studying.....

A Strategy for Reading Textbooks
SQRW is a four-step strategy for reading and taking notes from chapters in a textbook. Each letter stands for one step in the strategy. Using SQRW will help you to understand what you read and to prepare a written record of what you learned. The written record will be valuable when you have to participate in a class discussion and again when you study for a test. Read to learn what to do for each step in SQRW.
Survey. Surveying brings to mind what you already know about the topic of a chapter and prepares you for learning more. To survey a chapter, read the title, introduction, headings, and the summary or conclusion. Also, examine all visuals such as pictures, tables, maps, and/or graphs and read the caption that goes with each. By surveying a chapter, you will quickly learn what the chapter is about.
Question. You need to have questions in your mind as you read. Questions give you a purpose for reading and help you stay focused on the reading assignment. Form questions by changing each chapter heading into a question. Use the words who, what, when, where, why, or how to form questions. For example, for the heading "Uses of Electricity" in a chapter about how science improves lives, you might form the question "What are some uses of electricity?" If a heading is stated as a question, use that question. When a heading contains more than one idea, form a question for each idea. Do not form questions for the Introduction, Summary, or Conclusion.
Read. Read the information that follows each heading to find the answer to each question you formed. As you do this, you may decide you need to change a question or turn it into several questions to be answered. Stay focused and flexible so you can gather as much information as you need to answer each question.
Write. Write each question and its answer in your notebook. Reread each of your written answers to be sure each answer is legible and contains all the important information needed to answer the question.
As you practice using SQRW, you will find you learn more and have good study notes to use to prepare for class participation and tests.
HINT: Once you complete the Survey step for the entire chapter, complete the Question, Read, and Write steps for the first heading. Then complete the Question, Read, and Write steps for the second heading, and so on for the remaining headings in the chapter.

I think this is a very good method of studying..!!
but then i'm still not satisfied with this!!!!! :P...SO, what is the real method of studying?? HELL YEAH..i dunno!!Do u know?

Woman :)

2006-05-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

Woman in your life....
You can feel her innocence in form of a daughter...
You can feel her care in form of a sister...
You can feel her warmth in form of a friend....
You can feel her passion in form of a beloved....
You can feel her dedication in form of a wife...
You can feel her divinity in form of a mother...
You can feel her blessings in form of a grandmother....
Yet she is so tough too...
Her heart is so tender....
So naughty....
So charming....
So sharing....
So melodious...
She is a woman....
She is LIFE!!!!!
I received this interesting poem about woman from a friend of mine so
i thought it is good to share with fellow bloggers!
-kudos-

I"M BACK!!

2006-04-17T20:30:00.000+08:00

Yeah..i am back! i have been outta blogging for such a long time because of my stupid broadband connection. Can someone please recommend me a good lawyer,because i am really pissed of with TM net connection and TM net customer service and I badly want to sue them!:( Have been complaining to this stupid TM-net ppl about my connection and until today there is no reply from them! Have been calling them for the past few weeks and have been complaining to them that the same problem has occured and guess what??? NO action had been taken until today! IRRESPONSIBLE,ppl!! Thanks to my dad for letting me use his office comp! Have been surviving for weeks without my comp..I MISS MY COMP!!:( alltogether BAD MONTH!! :( *big sigh*

DRIVING&*%^$

2006-04-04T20:21:00.000+08:00

D-R-I-V-I-N-G class ...oww gawd..i am going through hard time in life.DAMn parking..! I can't do it properly...!Driving class is driving me mad! Does that rhyme? My instructor was pissed with me because i can't do parking correctly! He was pratically,shouting at me! *sigh* such a bad day for me! On the road,all the cars was horning at me, mainly because i'm a new driver(fresher) and i was slow like a turtle..well,i have to admit that!,but then..what the hell i'm a new learner!..Gosh sometimes, i felt like slapping the person who horned at me!..What's wrong with this malaysian drivers?Can't they be polite? While on the road, i noticed something!There were two kind of malaysian drivers ,"modify car" drivers and "kiasu"drivers ... I don't get it!This "modify car" drivers (most irritating drivers on the road) ,they will modify their car basically to show off and then,horn at others because other drivers were slow , as if "they are driving a BMW" and then the"kiasu ppl"! Why don't this "kiasu" malaysian drivers have this in them, "give and take policy"??Least they can do is TOLERATE with us(freshers) .. geez!!!!*am not a Formula one driver*They expect us(freshers) to drive fast!! WHAT THE HELL??
Plz excuse my grammar.. but am really pissed today! i know i did crap in this blog. I am so sorry for the "dumbest" post today!The Moral value of this story is DON'T DRIVE IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD IN DRIVING"...!!!:( all together bad day*BIG SIGH*

funny!!:)

2006-04-02T14:25:00.000+08:00

hey..ppl..check out this video.I had good time laughing at this video!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MQuxWDHbAXQ

Kaleide culture...malaysia.....

2006-03-31T12:20:00.000+08:00

The Malay are Malaysia's largest ethnic group, accounting for over half the population and the national language. With the oldest indigenous peoples they form a group called bumiputera, which translates as "sons" or "princes of the soil." Almost all Malays are Muslims, though Islam here is less extreme than in the Middle East. Traditional Malay culture centers around the kampung, or village, though today one is just as likely to find Malays in the cities. The Chinese traded with Malaysia for centuries, then settled in number during the 19th century when word of riches in the Nanyang, or "South Seas," spread across China. Though perhaps a stereotype, the Chinese are regarded as Malaysia's businessmen, having succeeded in many industries. When they first arrived, however, Chinese often worked the most grueling jobs like tin mining and railway construction. Most Chinese are Tao Buddhist and retain strong ties to their ancestral homeland. They form about 35 percent of the population. Indians had been visiting Malaysia for over 2,000 years, but did not settle en masse until the 19th century. Most came from South India, fleeing a poor economy. Arriving in Malaysia, many worked as rubber tappers, while others built the infrastructure or worked as administrators and small businessmen. Today ten percent of Malaysia is Indian. Their culture -- with it's exquisite Hindu temples, cuisine, and colorful garments -- is visible throughout the land. The oldest inhabitants of Malaysia are its tribal peoples. They account for about 5 percent of the total population, and represent a majority in Sarawak and Sabah. Though Malaysia's tribal people prefer to be categorized by their individual tribes, peninsular Malaysia blankets them under the term Orang Asli, or "Original People." In Sarawak, the dominant tribal groups are the Dayak, who typically live in longhouses and are either Iban (Sea Dayak) or Bidayuh (land Dayak). In Sabah, most tribes fall under the term Kadazan. All of Malaysia's tribal people generally share a strong spiritual tie to the rain forest. Cultures have been meeting and mixing in Malaysia since the very beginning of its history. More than fifteen hundred years ago a Malay kingdom in Bujang Valley welcomed traders from China and India. With the arrival of gold and silks, Buddhism and Hinduism also came to Malaysia. A thousand years later, Arab traders arrived in Malacca and brought with them the principles and practices of Islam. By the time the Portuguese arrived in Malaysia, the empire that they encountered was more cosmopolitan than their own. Malaysia's cultural mosaic is marked by many different cultures, but several in particular have had especially lasting influence on the country. Chief among these is the ancient Malay culture, and the cultures of Malaysia's two most prominent trading partners throughout history--the Chinese, and the Indians. These three groups are joined by a dizzying array of indigenous tribes, many of which live in the forests and coastal areas of Borneo. Although each of these cultures has vigorously maintained its traditions and community structures, they have also blended together to create contemporary Malaysia's uniquely diverse heritage. One example of the complexity with which Malaysia's immigrant populations have contributed to the nation's culture as a whole is the history of Chinese immigrants. The first Chinese to settle in the straits, primarily in and around Malacca, gradually adopted elements of Malaysian culture and intermarried with the Malaysian community. Known as babas and nonyas, they eventually produced a synthetic set of practices, beliefs, and arts, combining Malay and Chinese traditions in such a way as to create a new culture. Later Chinese, coming to exploit the tin and rubber booms, have preserved their culture much more meticulously. A city like Penang, for example, can often give one the impression of being in China rather than in Malaysia. Another example of Malaysia's extraordinary cultural exchange the Malay wedding ceremony, which incorporates elements of the Hindu traditions of southern India; the bride and groom dress in gorgeous brocades, sit in state, and feed each other yellow rice with hands painted with henna. Muslims have adapted the Chinese custom of giving little red packets of money (ang pau) at festivals to their own needs; the packets given on Muslim holidays are green and have Arab writing on them. You can go from a Malaysian kampung to a rubber plantation worked by Indians to Penang's Chinese kongsi and feel you've traveled through three nations. But in cities like Kuala Lumpur, you'll find everyone in a grand melange. In one house, a Chinese opera will be playing on the radio; in another they're preparing for Muslim prayers; in the next, the daughter of the household readies herself for classical Indian dance lessons. Perhaps the easiest way to begin to understand the highly complex cultural interaction which is Malaysia is to look at the open door policy maintained during religious festivals. Although Malaysia's different cultural traditions are frequently maintained by seemingly self-contained ethnic communities, all of Malaysia's communities open their doors to members of other cultures during a religious festival--to tourists as well as neighbors. Such inclusiveness is more than just a way to break down cultural barriers and foster understanding. It is a positive celebration of a tradition of tolerance that has for millennia formed the basis of Malaysia's progress.
I LOVE MALAYSIA.......!!!! :P

i dunno...

2006-03-29T17:09:00.000+08:00

I am so stuck..i seriously don't know what am i going to do now! I'm in a total confuse state..well more like in a chaotic state. After high school, to think about pursue-ing my studies is a big headache..Which college i should go or should I do government matriculation(STPM) or what course should i take?,or should i just continue with science stream? or to withdraw to arts stream?...gosh!!!..i dunno..!! I thought life after school will be different,but trust me..is not!!! Is like being dumped into basket full with thorns.(my usual saying).Well...i discussed this topic with my mom and she told me not to worry about it! "What ever comes your way,you go for it" and this was my mom's advice! *sigh*, perhaps my mom is right...i should just do whatever comes my way,or perhaps i need a psychiatrist!Can someone please recommend me a good psychiatrist because i think i need them.. insane!*BIGSIGH*

karthik

2006-03-28T16:11:00.000+08:00

Singing for rajini is akin to hitting the peak of Tamil film music.Take the film Baba for example.While you have the usual popular singers like SPBand shankar mahadevan filling in for rajini in the recording studio.some fans were taken aback when they saw the name karthik at the back cover of the baba audio cassettes and CD's.It was even more shoking to note that this guy is only 22 at that time.Who is karthik,who sang the now popular songs like "maya-maya,elam maya" and shakti kodu.
Karthik is a degree holder for B.com.and is currently doing MCA.A very active young man,his father's name is kumar and his mother's is geetha.Both of them are working in manali sriram fibers.He has only one sibling ,a brother named seenivasan. Interest in music stemmed from karthik parents themselves though their performances are limited ,according to karthik ,as bath room singers.The influence is so profound that he became a music lover himself! He especially loves hindustani music.He is picking it through Sriram Parasuram(Anuradha sriram's husband).Along the way he has also learned Carnatic music and ghazal.It is the mixture af all these music gave an edge to karthik's voice.But the interest peaked when the film Roja was realeased in 1992 when karthik was still a school boy.He heard Rahman's music then and has ever since been the lover of the music -not forgetting that he collects all of Rahman's works.He later entered singing competiton in college and won several prizes.Through the praises and encouragement his interest in music deepened.Playback singer Sreenivas,who heard him singing,recommended Karthik to a.r rahman.It took him aback.He agreed to meet the composer and later joined Rahman's chorus team.His first song is "asai tosai" in star.Another offer came from another maestro,iilayaraja,who composed the song "oliyile",in the film"Azhagi" and he was beginning to be notices. But fame did not come to him before he got the lucky strike in Baba.He never dreamed of singing for the superstar.In fact,he sang Maya-maya and shakti kodu mainly for a track,which is usually reserved for other singers,either mixed or replaced alltogether.Rahman listened to them with rajini and both agreed to retain karthik as the singer.For concerts,he has done tours in countries like Malaysia,singapore,Sri lanka,England and Australia. His music preference may not be tour usual Tamil film staples.The performers include Bheemsen Joshi,Mehthi Hassan Hindustani music and also Michael Learns To Rock....(copyright CINE FASHION)
this article is for all karthik fans!! have fun reading it!
-kousaliya-

TRUE!

2006-03-26T15:28:00.000+08:00

I received this interesting and inspiring article from a friend so i thought that it is good to share with fellow bloggers ,

God: Hello. Did you call me?
Me: Called you? No. Who is this?

God: This is GOD. I heard your prayers.
So I thought I will Chat.
Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good.
I am actually busy now. I am in the midst
of something.

God: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.
Me: Don't know. But I can't find free time.
Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all
the time.

God: Sure. Activity gets you busy.
But productivity gets you results.
Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.
Me: I understand. But I still can't figure out.
By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz
me on instant messaging chat.

God: Well, I wanted to resolve your fight for time,
giving you some clarity. In this net era,
I wanted to reach you through the Medium you
are comfortable with.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God: Stop analyzing life. Just lives it.
Analysis is what makes it complicated.
Me: Why are we then constantly unhappy?

God: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried
about yesterday. You are worrying because
you are analyzing. Worrying has become your
habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: But how can we not worry when there is so
much uncertainty?

God: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is
optional.
Me: But then, there is so much pain due to
uncertainty...

God: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people
always suffer?

God: Diamond cannot be polished without
frictionGold cannot be purified without fire.
Good people go through trials, but don't
suffer. With that experience their life becomes
better, not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard
teacher. She gives the test first and the
lessons afterwards.
Me: But still, why should we go through such tests?
Why can't we be free from problems?

God: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering
Beneficial Lessons to Enhance Mental Strength.
inner strength comes from struggle and
endurance, not when you are free from problems
Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems,
we don't know where we are heading...

God: If you look outside you will not know where you
are heading. Look inside. Looking outside,
you dream. Looking inside, you awaken.
Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt
more than moving In the right direction.
What should I do?

God: Success is a measure as decided by others.
satisfaction is a measure as decided by you.
Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than
knowing you rode ahead. You work with the
compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God: Always look at how far you have come rather
than how far you have to go. Always count your
blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people?

God: When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When
they prosper, they never ask "Why me?"
Everyone wishes to have truth on their side,
but few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here.
I can't get the answer.

God: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine
who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose
as to why you are here. Create it.
Life is not a process of discovery,
but a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life?

God: Face your past without regret.
Handle your present with confidence.
Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my
prayers are not answered.

God: There are no unanswered prayers.
At times the answer is NO.

Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat.
I am so happy to start the New Day with a
new sense of inspiration.

God: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Don't believe your doubts and doubt your
beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve,
not a problem to resolve. Trust me.
life is wonderful if you know how to live.

so yah......what do u think??

All about the A's!

2006-03-25T15:37:00.000+08:00

I seriously don't know what kinda world am living in!A's..A's..and A's!!!!arghhhh....Spm(Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia) (SPM), or the Certificate of Higher Education, is a national examination taken by all form 5 students in Malaysia. Generally, this is at the age of 17, though students who attended pre-secondary school class would take it at the age of 18. Students who successfully passed their Penilaian Tahap Satu (PTS) examination at Standard Three would take their SPM a year earlier, at the age of 16.The SPM results have been announced last week on 13 march! I have scored only 1A and i am quite dissapointed with my result.I didn't get what i want.,but then since i am a science stream student, ppl said that i did well...some even told me.."dun worry, spm is nothing!"anyways sometimes ppl think that is a must to score straight A's in your spm!(what a typical malaysian i thought to myself)..but for me is not all about the A's !It's about how hard u worked to get ur results! As for me,i know i did study and put in effort..so there's is no regrets in it! Have you heard this saying"do your part and god will do the rest"?..and i think it's TRUE! A's in spm is nothing....is all about getting a degree and a good job! So for those who didn't do well in ur spm,take it as a part and parcel of your life and move on!

NeW!

2006-03-24T20:44:00.000+08:00

hey....first of all i should introduce myself..i'm kousaliya from malaysia...actually i dunno why am i here? i thought of blogging to try something new in life(wait a min..am i being to classic?)yah...actually i'm just bored of my life. School,tuiton,homework...arghhhhh what a life...??seriously..it's like being dumped into a basket full with thorns. Anyway, i am here to write,scribble,type..about what's happening in my life! Frankly i'm a bit nervous because i'm into something new,The World of Blogging!!yah...and ppl i seriously dunno what am i doing! so yah..thats all for now!